Inebriated Boris sang ‘My Way’ at his leaving p*ss-up

According to reports from Downing Street, a leaving party held for outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson became a monumental p*ss-up, where alcohol flowed by the suitcaseful. An inebriated Boris was seen climbing onto a table, wearing a wastepaper bin on his head at a rakish angle, and holding a champagne bottle like a microphone he sang his own version of the Sinatra classic, ‘My Way’:

“And now, the end is near

And so I face the final curtain.

I’ve been a great PM,

The very best, of that I’m certain.

What fun! I’ve had a ball,

Not even lockdown could spoil my day,

I partied through it all,

Cos that is my way.

“Affairs, I’ve had a few,

And more kids than I can mention.

I told a lot of lies,

I was the master of invention.

I helped out all my mates,

I sent massive contracts their way.

And donations of cash

Came rolling my way.

“I know I hid inside a fridge,

But Cameron – he f*cked a pig!

Theresa May was kinda sad,

But now, she doesn’t seem so bad.

Though I made gaffes,

I had some laughs,

Cos that is my way.

“I steered the Brexit bus, painted with lies,

My hand was steady.

Yes, I got Brexit done,

The EU deal was oven ready.

And now the UK’s screwed -

Every which way, and sideways.

What else could you expect

When I did it my way?

“When Covid came along,

I wouldn’t heed the scientists’ warning,

I killed everyone’s Nan,

So many families in mourning.

I said, “Pile the bodies high”,

Like a c*nt, and not in a wry way.

Those plebs, I’d kill ‘em all

If I had my way.

“Each time a crisis came my way,

I buggered off on holiday.

Children are hungry, and they’re cold,

Well, f*ck ‘em all - and f*ck the old!

Let them eat cake,

Them’s the breaks.

No one stands in my way.

“I’ll thrive - my bank balance is big,

And I’ve got shares in Peppa Pig.

So, now I’ll leave without a fuss.

Good luck with Liz ‘One Brain Cell’ Truss!

Once, Britain boomed,

But now it’s doomed

Cos I did it MYYYY WAAAAAYY!"

After he’d finished singing, it is reported that Mr Johnson tried to take a bow, overbalanced, and fell off the table. He then shambled off into the garden, where he was sick in a thicket.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/maklay62-182851/

Boris's breakfast ruined by news on Ukraine and Covid

Now that he has a little more time on his hands, Boris Johnson has caught up on the news and is shocked to find the war is still ongoing in Ukraine and that Covid is around. "Good grief!" he said, almost ruining his wallpaper as he spat his breakfast cup of tea across Downing Street while leisurely browsing some newspapers.

"Carrie, have you seen this? It says that blighter Putin is still waging war in Ukraine and has in fact extended his military aims. But I told the MPs at PMQs that I had 'helped save another country from barbarism'." The prime minister went quiet for a moment, then chuckled at a comic strip and muttered: "Oh very good, rather amusing."

Moments later he dropped his jam and toast on the carpet, and sat with his mouth wide open. "Oh my word," he exclaimed, "I don't ruddy believe it. Carrie, look at this. There! It says here that Covid levels have been very high lately. Crikey, I told MPs that I'd got the country through the pandemic.

"If only I'd had the time to look at these papers. I might have realised if I was not busy with important government business like having to go up in a military jet and come up with zingers like Captain Crash-a-Roony Snoozefest (tee hee - that still makes me chuckle). Do you think I misled the House?"

He looked even more crestfallen as Carrie quietly said: "And don't forgot the thousands of people that have died from it already." Boris stared, open mouthed for a moment. "But, but, in my resignation speech I said that I had got us all through the pandemic. Now the public may think I am great big fibber!

"Maybe the mission isn't accomplished..." A moment of silence followed, and then he drained his teacup, clapped his hands and said: "Oh well, spilt milk and all that. No good worrying about these trifling things - I've got a leaving party to arrange!

"Carrie, where's the suitcase? I need to take the first of many trips to the shops! Keep an eye on kids - and any of the others that pop round. Hasta la vista baby"

Britain British Number - Free photo on Pixabay

Covid denier defiantly has sex with monkeys

After feeling vindicated by the success of Brexit and zero effects of Covid, Ron Jenkins of Clacton has taken to Facebook to announce that the "so-called Monkeypox is a fake".

Mr Jenkins went on. "This is the EU - now that the British market for bent bananas has been destroyed by the Brexit triumph, they've decided that monkeys have to take the blame. But I'm not falling for it, in fact I had vigorous 'relations' with Mr Cheeky last night and there's nothing wrong with me - I'm as normal as the next man, er, primate."

image from pixabay