Covid over as nearly 800 people die in a week

The government announced today that the pandemic is as good as over. 'Wear a mask if you must, wash your hands, keep your distance, whatever - loser,' said a government spokesman.

When it was pointed out that 797 people had died in the last seven days and that 70 had died in the same seven days last year the spokesman pointed out that due to the 'fantastic benefit of the vaccines people aren't getting as unwell and those who died probably weren't as unwell as those a year ago thanks to the vaccines. They probably died a lot weller this year,' he added.

The government has denied that the return to schools where social distancing, masks and common sense were being ditched would result in any increase in deaths. 'There can't be any more grandparents for the blighters to infect, surely?' he asked.

photo by fietzfotos @ Pixabay

Air con more expensive than cocaine

The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name "AC" or "air" above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.

An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:

'I was mixed up in the "air" scene, yeah, but it's just too brutal now, so I've gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.'

A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:

'It's hot and he's confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he's frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn't like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.'

Britons returning from Staycations to self isolate

The government has noted that the UK has the highest incidence of covid in Europe and with immediate effect the whole of the UK is being put on Amber Plus alert status,' said a government spokesperson today.

'We are particularly concerned with the amount of UK residents taking a staycation, as by definition they are taking a holiday in one of the most highly infected regions in the world,' he added. 'From midnight tonight all Britons returning from a staycation, even if it was in their back garden, will have to self-isolate for ten days and pay for a PCR test.'

The Treasury has admitted that the new policy will hit the economy hard but a spokesman for the Treasury added that 'with everyone in the UK having to pay for the PCR tests sometime over the summer the initiative will probably be cost neutral for the government, and especially welcome for friends of the Cabinet who have been awarded PCR test supply contracts.'