COVID beaten, PM confirms

Thanks to Britain's world-beating handling of the Covid 19 pandemic, Boris Johnson has confirmed the illness will no longer exist on our shores from July the 19th.

Looking resplendent in a bright yellow fluorescent hazmat suit with Prime Minister stencilled across his left breast alongside a union flag, the PM confirmed that COVID had been beaten hands down.

'We've seen it off and that's an end to it once and for all. We've tanned its backside, flattened its sombrero, and given it a jolly good cuff around the ear just for good measure.', the PM is thought to have said.

'It certainly won't be back here anytime soon, killing hundreds and thousands of us left right and centre', he continued. 'But, in the unlikely event that it somehow does reappear, and that's highly unlikely Carrie tells me, then the public will only have itself to blame, as quite clearly it won't have been following our latest and most excellent advice.'

Spain cancels annual balcony jumping championship

One of the worlds most popular Spanish speaking countries, Spain, has been forced to cancel one of its most lucrative and popular sporting events, due to covid reasons. 'We need the imbecilic English to come back in their self-destructive droves', said Alberto De Cosa, Assistant Manager at the main hosting stadium, the prestigious half-star Golden Palm hotel, next to the recycling incinerator plant in Marbella.' 'There is a smattering of French, Italian and German contestants here, but a tournament without the current world champions is a bit pointless.' Darren Fincher, the UK's No.1, who took over from his brother Reggie following a dramatic pool miss incident last year, said he was absolutely gutted. 'I'm absolutely gutted,' said Darren. I've perfected the fifth-floor plunge into the main WC shaped swimming pool. So I was hoping to go one better with a sixth-floor triple somersault and synchronised belly flop through the glass roof of the restaurant and into a bucket of cold sick left over from the afternoon buffet.' A spokesperson for UK sport said the government regretted imposing travel restrictions, even to this sporting event. 'We deeply regret stopping people attending a world-renowned event which basically has no health and no safety. We completely understand that this makes it a popular event for elite English athletes. However, we've followed the science as always and concluded that balcony jumping is slightly more risky than the Covid Delta variant.

Peep's Diary, 17 June.

And so to the Bethlehem Hospital to view the Lunaticks lately arrived.

In the first room, one Matt Hancock who does think himself an Minister of State. He believes he has control of some Witchery which can keep the Pestilence at bay. He repeatedly shrieks "Data not Dates" which no person can make sense of. It is obvious the fellow has lost his wits.

In the next room, one Dominic Cummings. He does lie in his own filth and will try to throw his excreta upon any who attempt to come near. He has many scraps of manuscript and has daubed much nonsense on the walls in shit. His Keepers tell that he blames his current downfall to Witch called Symonds. He utters profanities that would make a Covent Garden Whore to blush.

In the last, a vile creature named Cressida Dick. They do say that it is a woman that claims to be a Constable of the Peace. However, it is known that she is the heir to a corrupt clan that did feign protection of the populace of London, yet did lie and dissemble for their own benefit. She does claim that she is of the utmost purity whilst all around can smell the stench that does issue from her mouth.

I fear there is no cure for these Wretches.

Then home by boat, where I came upon my wyfe using her Godeminche in her Contrapunctum to my Delite. Did then feast upon a jug of Oysters.