The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name "AC" or "air" above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.
An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:
'I was mixed up in the "air" scene, yeah, but it's just too brutal now, so I've gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.'
A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:
'It's hot and he's confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he's frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn't like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.'