Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

With the UK officially in its fourth heatwave of the year and temperatures again expected to be above 30°C, the Ministry for Sentimentality has issued its first ever 'Lucozade-cellophane-orange alert" to prepare people for potential shortages of reminisce about the long summer of 1976.

'This year has been unprecedented for sure,' said department spokesperson Penny Chews. 'The high temperatures and dry spells have combined to remind people who were children at the time of the happiness they felt lying in the grass with an artificially coloured and flavoured ice-pop; all while being blissfully unaware of the stand-pipes, buckling railway tracks and excess deaths. Forums are awash with survivorship bias, dangerously eating into our reserves stored in Memory Lane like someone who's discovered an entire case of Texan Bars.'

To preserve the dwindling resource, the department recommends only posting online after consulting Wikipedia to remove the Mandela-effect, and people focusing memories on lesser-used areas in the summer such as Boil-in-the-bag dinners and Saturday Morning Picture shows.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

The Met Office has confirmed that the UK is in the middle of a heat wave - or maybe the beginning, possibly two thirds of the way through, but definitely is experiencing the hottest day since the last hot day. That would be the one last month, or maybe the month before, the day Reform thugs rioted outside a Wetherspoons or ladybirds infested every nook and cranny of every street up and down the UK.

Or that might have been 1976, ask your granny as she goes to Wetherspoons, supports Reform and probably still remembers 1976 like it was yesterday.  Grok believes the ladybirds were rioting over a huge amount of foreign greenfly and says it was definitely Wetherspoons where they succumbed to the heat and stuck to the carpets.  Who knew ladybirds were racists? @grok, are ladybirds racist?  It seems Grok knew.

A Met Office spokesperson said the unseasonably warm weather will continue until it stops, when it will probably be cooler, possibly wetter, maybe both. The change will happen later in the week or possibly the month.  Definitely by December, 2025 or 2026.

Photo by Artur Tarhoni on Unsplash

BBC and Met Office kiss and make up

After eight years of 'will they, won't they', 'on-off' drama, typical of a national weather forecaster, the fractured relationship between the Met Office and the BBC has apparently been healed.

'The Met Office was too woke and apparently voted Remain,' said a BBC spokesman. 'But now they have turned their back on DEI, pronouns and weather reports that aren't newsworthy we've decided to kiss and make up,' he added.

A Met Office Spokesperson appeared to have a different view of the monumental reunion. 'We felt the BBC was presenting a warm front, was handling high pressure well and we understood they regretted voting to Leave,' he/she said. 'We have agreed to sex the weather report up a bit, but only if they return our Velcro weather symbols to front and centre of the weather report,' the spokesperson said, tightening his/her tie while straightening his/her skirt. 'At least cardboard weather symbols are gender neutral, unlike that macho AI inspired CGI rubbish,' he/she added.

'And apparently, tonight, for the first time, just about half past ten, for the first time in history it's gonna start raining cis gender males.'

There are rumours that the relationship might be more off than on. Cardboard Velcro-backed dark clouds might be gathering.

Image: Abid Shah (@abid_ahmad_shah) | Unsplash Photo Community