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Extremist RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team feel full wrath of 'Patriots'

BillClay
Sep 13

Idiot groups of awful people are waging war on the extremist lifesaving RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team, neither of which poses any threat to England, especially with that bowling attack. What are the new groups that will be soon facing “patriotic wrath”? Let’s have a look…


  • The Brownies – for obvious reasons

  • Food Banks – For causing the Cost-of-Living Crisis and being constantly being bailed out by do-gooding donation givers.

  • Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards – For wasting taxpayers’ money on frivolous investigations into common sense £5,000,000 gifts. Anyway, £36,000,000 in dodgy crypto is much more de rigeur

  • The Met Office – For using space lasers to control the UK’s weather and making it too hot and now a bit nippy.

  • Trees – The leaf dropping bastards…. Standing there, doing nuffin’…thinking they’re better than us…taking our CO₂….I hate them so much…


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive


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2027 declared “hottest year on record”

eppursimuove
Sep 5

There was egg on the faces of Met Office officials today when it accidentally announced that next year “was” the hottest on record.


“Obviously this was a mistake,” said Sir Bufton Tufton, Head of Teabags at the agency. “The system’s set up to release this announcement every year, but not until the end of the year. Even saying it on the first day of September is a bit premature, let alone for the following year.”


“Then again,” chimed in Sir Tufton Bufton, Head of Cabbage, “It’s not as if there’s any doubt we’re going to say it. No one’s exactly on tenterhooks. So we may as well just say it, then get a few rounds of golf in before the weather changes. The actual weather I mean, not the version we publish.”




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Met Office issues "boring weather" warning for most of year

Writer: Sir Lupus
Sir Lupus
Jul 20


Following a winter of storm warnings and a summer of heat wave alerts, the Met Office has today announced a series of warnings of "depressingly underwhelming" weather covering the entire rest of the year.


Apart from a few more furnace-like heat waves, most of the summer is classed as "fair to middling". The autumn is forecast to be " dull, damp and slightly dismal", and the winter "tediously cold, but then again not that bad".


"Brits run the risk of running out of weather worth taking about " said Dr Adele Hubert of the Met Office's Cultural Forecasting department. "With many days expected to be " 'extremely average', even saying that it's a bit cold - or hot - for the time of year will be demonstrably untrue."


However, all is not lost. In tests, 6 out of 10 Brits were able to make more than a month's conversation out of just one extreme weather event - and 9 out of 10 could not understand the concept of weather too dull to talk about.



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First published 20 Jul 2022


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