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Met Office issues "boring weather" warning for most of year



Following a winter of storm warnings and a summer of heat wave alerts, the Met Office has today announced a series of warnings of "depressingly underwhelming" weather covering the entire rest of the year.


Apart from a few more furnace-like heat waves, most of the summer is classed as "fair to middling". The autumn is forecast to be " dull, damp and slightly dismal", and the winter "tediously cold, but then again not that bad".


"Brits run the risk of running out of weather worth taking about " said Dr Adele Hubert of the Met Office's Cultural Forecasting department. "With many days expected to be " 'extremely average', even saying that it's a bit cold - or hot - for the time of year will be demonstrably untrue."


However, all is not lost. In tests, 6 out of 10 Brits were able to make more than a month's conversation out of just one extreme weather event - and 9 out of 10 could not understand the concept of weather too dull to talk about.



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First published 20 Jul 2022


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Met Office issues bland weather warning



As the heatwave recedes, the Met Office has issued a rare, bland weather warning for most of the UK. A bland weather warning means there is a danger to motivation with many people saying they can’t be bothered going into work and describing it as if someone has lain a damp unwashed dish cloth over their hopes and aspirations.


'The area affected by the bland weather warning can be seen in beige, shown here as a pale sort of yellowy, sandy, grey, almost like an off-white,' explained BBC weather forecaster Tomasz Schafernaker. 'Temperatures are expected to peak at around 16 or 17 degrees centigrade, unusually low for this time of year.'


The Met Office has also declared the weather for the final week of June as the most boring recorded since records began. But when asked to check the earlier records the staff in question responded, 'Can’t this wait, it just feels too dull out there, it’s like there’s a grey sheet over everything, it feels muggy, but also like it might rain, and I feel tired, like I’m coming down with something…'



Image credit: deep dream generator (which clearly doesn't understand thermometers)


Man builds ark as UK experiences ‘dry weather shortage’


Following confirmation from the Met Office that it has rained somewhere in the UK every single day so far this year, a Shropshire man has announced that he is “about 60% sure the end is nigh” and has therefore built a full-scale ark, where he is now trapped with two of every animal on Earth.


Noah Smith said he felt compelled to build the ark when the amount of rain that has fallen this year started to feel “almost biblical”, and the weather app showed nothing but rain icons extending indefinitely into the future. “At some point,” he explained, “you stop asking ‘when will it end?’ and start asking ‘how many cubic metres does a giraffe emotionally require?’”


Problems began the moment the animals boarded. “Two of every animal is actually loads of animals,” said Noah, who has not slept in four days. “And then there’s the smells, and the noise. The elephants are constantly blocking the corridors, the snakes keep escaping and reappearing in places snakes should not be, and the rabbits have turned two rabbits into what I can only describe as an infestation.”


Feeding time has proven especially challenging. “The lions turn their noses up at anything that isn’t actively screaming, and the goats have consumed several structural beams instead of eating the hay provided for them,” sighed Noah. “Meanwhile, the penguins are being divas about temperature control, and the monkeys keep throwing essential navigation equipment overboard.”


Sanitation has also become a sensitive subject. “It turns out the phrase ‘clean as a whistle’ was not coined on a floating zoo,” Noah said, trying to scrape dung off the sole of his shoe with the end of an umbrella.


As rain continues to fall sideways, Noah admits he may have misread the signs. “In hindsight, the forecast of rain probably only applies to Britain,” he said. “I could’ve just bought a better coat, and some wellies.” Mopping the deck as a passing zebra kicked over his mop bucket, he added “Still, if civilisation collapses - and let’s face it, that’s the way things seem to be heading – at least I’ll be prepared. Emotionally? No. But structurally? Yes.”


The ark will probably remain afloat until at least the end of February, when Severn Trent Water is expected to announce a hosepipe ban.


image from pixabay


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