Boris to appoint himself new Metropolitan Police Chief

“As the new Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, I propose to do absolutely nothing,” Prime Minister Boris Johnson told reporters.

“I will carry on in exactly the same vein as I've done up until now as PM, Foreign Secretary, Mayor of London and editor of The Spectator.

“I will turn up for photoshoots, milk the publicity for all it is worth and magically get the credit while making sod-all effort.

“As new chief of the Met I say to the criminals of London: rape, steal, pillage and riot all you like. You won’t be able keep it up forever, you know. And after a while, when all of you are thoroughly worn out from your criminal activities, I’ll be able to say triumphantly: ‘Bozza brought law and order to the streets of London!’

“Hang on! Who stole the wheels off my bloody bike?”

image from pixabay

Police Commissioner resigns after beating a confession out of herself

The Metropolitan Police spokesperson confirmed: ‘Dame Cressida oversaw a regime of misogyny, discrimination and sex harassment – but sadly all good things have to come to an end. The Prime Minister would like to put on record his thanks to her, for covering up his record and keeping schtum about Jack the Ripper.

‘Sadly, while in police custody, she is said to have repeatedly fallen down a staircase. No witnesses were on hand to see her do it, but she was later found hanging in her cell, next to a full confession for the murders of JFK, Tupac Shakur and BBC Light Entertainment’.

Riot Violence Anarchy - Free vector graphic on Pixabay

Met Police behind rigged Eurovision voting system

After yet another enquiry finds the Metropolitan police institutionally corrupt/racist/violent (delete as applicable), it is feared they may have had a hand in other corruption; such as Las Vegas slot machines, Trump’s tax returns and the reason your dish washer breaks down the day after its insurance has lapsed. It is hard to tell how widespread the malfeasance is, but what is clear is that ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ could not have got three seasons, without significant police interference.

Commissioner Cressida Dick has come under fire and not just for having a name that sounds like a venereal disease from a Greek tragedy. In fact, complaints against the Met have become institutionally predictable, while the public have become institutionally jaded by the whole affair.

When not covering up murders, the Met Police like to unwind by bashing female protestors, kettling children or the odd extrajudicial shooting. Asked if the Met had been involved in the bank system or election rigging, a spokeswoman said: ‘We’re crooked but not that crooked’.