Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

August 2024

The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we are top in Europe, and we get more medals than Australia.

To tarnish Olympic success, the month is marred by summer rioting. This is fuelled by nonsense spread by social media, which is lapped up by the gullible. After warming up (ha!) on winter fuel payments, Keir Starmer continues to play the tough guy. He releases some old lags from prison to make more cells available to lock up the rioters.

UK water companies are fined millions for sewage spills. Again. Does this happen every month? It seems to.

In the entertainment world, police issue an arrest warrant for Katie Price after she fails to attend a bankruptcy hearing. And Harry and Meghan go to Colombia to ‘make the internet safer for children’. And to promote their charity work. And themselves. How could they choose Colombia over the Edinburgh Festival?

In overseas news, Ukraine, Gaza.

In the US, a judge rules that Google have an illegal monopoly over internet searches. Finally, an American news story that isn’t about the US Election.

Here is a selection of the top stories from August 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

Crime and punishment

‘I'm having that’ says King Charles after huge diamond discovered

CEO of Thames Water explains why it's all your fault

Racist riots just 'Olympic celebrations that got out of hand'

Politics

Tabloids rejoice in finding a person who will properly suffer after losing Winter Fuel Payment

Government to offer pensioners ‘winter pants'

Labour Ministers spend £1bn on High-Vis jackets

Sport and entertainment

Man’s explanation of Olympic cycling event enters third week

Oscars introduce “pointless sequel” category

Threats of Improv only way to get traffic moving during Edinburgh Festival

Other news

Silicon Valley CEOs rejoice at annual data harvest festival

Altar stones were floated to Stonehenge, claims anti-vaxxer

Atheist duped again by religious element of 'Thought for the Day'

Headlines

GCHQ close to decoding rules for cycling Keirin

'I take my job as an MP seriously,' wins joke of the Fringe

Puppeteer offers to explain string theory

Search for 'Google's illegal online monopoly' yields no results

Top uni accepts students with 25m back stroke certificate

Police tasked with arresting Katie Price have no idea what she looks like

Builder who lost his plans of the stairs told to retrace his steps

Israel and Hamas, in a rare show of unity, agree to continue hostilities

Starmer pledges to transform UK steel industry into no-steel industry

No signs of green shoots on Conservative party stump

‘The UK is too dangerous for me and my family’ says Harry as he lands in Colombia

English tourist resort attracts more visitors with rioting mini breaks

Image credit: Wix

Discovered smuggling teens to R Kelly: 'still not Ghislaine’s fault'

Panicked defenders of Ghislaine Maxwell have been scrabbling for further laughable excuses for her behaviour, as, despite being incarcerated, evidence has emerged of her returning to her pimping habits faster than Jeffrey Epstein removing a troublesome retainer from the downturned mouth of a dead-eyed thirteen-year-old.

Within hours of R Kelly beginning his own 30-year sentence trapped in the custodial closet, Miss Maxwell has been charged with grooming underage girls and trafficking them through to the “I believe I can fly in the face of common decency” singer’s cell, allegedly for a little bump ’n’ grind.

'It’s not her fault she can’t resist powerful, charismatic singers,' bleated a close associate and fellow pension-fund botherer, obstinately deaf to the rest of the world clearly not giving a sh!t. 'It started with a Chuck Berry record. Then she discovered Marvin Gaye, and soon it was Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Ted Nugent - I mean, you can’t fault their morals, but it became an addiction.'

Believed to have fallen under the spell of Kelly, whose sickening offences are matched only by his horrific crimes against music, the disgraced heiress and defender of the sisterhood used a tunnel to smuggle the girls through to his cell, which she is accused of having scraped out in under 24 hours using only a Chanel mascara wand and the stick she’s suspected of having up her ass for the last 60 years.

'The single mindedness with which she dug through to Kelly’s cell is terrifying, but you’ve got to admire the impressive work-rate,' said a prison guard. 'It could have remained undiscovered, but luckily she chose to cover the aperture with a lipstick-stained poster of Bill Wyman, which did raise something of a red flag.'

First published 1 July 2022

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'When you call me, you can call me Al, call me Al-catraz'

The island prison of Alcatraz is the natural home for American crime syndicate leaders who are widely presumed to have syphilis, so Donald Trump is considering opening it up again.

Alcatraz is said to have a Presidential suite with magnificent views, though Trump himself has distanced himself from visiting, as what he would see would be the heavily Democratic city of San Francisco.

On Truth Social, Trump posted 'Are Al Qatraz terrorists from Yemen? We should bomb something just in case. And if the plot of the film "The Rock" has taught us anything, that something should be San Francisco. Look, I am 100% guilty of so many crimes that I should definitely be locked up, but I'm never actually going to jail. LOL.'

Photo by Jerome Granados on Unsplash