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PM defends UK refugee progress - or would do if there was any


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A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed that as of today 'three Ukrainians have been admitted to the UK on top of the 1.5 million or so taken by Poland.' When pushed the spokesman said the PM thought it outrageous that all three had been admitted, but it turned out one was a potential Tory Party donor, 'so that was alright.'


'We are prepared to provide refuge for oligarchs, billionaires and all potential donors, of course,' added the spokesman, 'but those poor war-torn people - well, they're poor aren't they? What can they donate? Perhaps if they left any valuables at the Channel Tunnel entrance and returned to East Europe everybody would be happy,' he added.


Johnson says he didn't realise parties were work

Boris Johnson's office has clarified that the reason he only stayed at the Downing Street 'work meeting' for 25 minutes was that he didn't realise that he worked there. In fact, according to a statement released exclusively to his most trusted media organisation (NewsBiscuit), he has only recently become aware that he is the Prime Minister of the UK.


"I may have spent some time in Downing St, but I thought I was at a party, and so I take no responsibility for our tragically chaotic on-off covid response and anything else that may have happened in the last 2 years" says the letter. "I suppose, looking back, it was a very long-running party, and I did wonder why people kept going on about politics - i mean, 'what should we do about Europe?' f@*ked if I know, or care. Yes, and there was this little scruffy prep school bod who seemed to be angry all the time. But all in all it was rather agreeable: for two years the fizz kept flowing and the female company was charming, so, mine not to reason why, I thought. Oh, hello Carrie!"


The statement has caused a constitutional crisis, with some experts claiming this means everything Johnson's government has done is illegal, instead of only 90% of their actions being criminal as everyone previously thought.


While the statement was initially expected to lead to his departure from the job he didn't realise he was supposed to be doing, MPs, party members and citizens at large are in fact calling on him to stay in post after hearing that the concluding part of the statement reads "I now realise it was a all a bit of a cock-up, as Suetonius put it, and I suppose I should go now. So I'll just leave Jacob and Ravey Govey in charge, eh?".


Britain has prepaid gas & electricity meters fitted to combat energy cost chaos

Updated: Dec 27, 2021


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It was confirmed this evening Britain has had prepaid meters fitted for its use of gas and electricity.


Both devices were installed in a small cupboard under the stairs at No.10 Downing St. The operation was overseen by the current tenant, Boris Johnson, who posed for pictures in a pristine hi-vis jacket during the fitting.


A spokesperson told the press: ‘Boris thinks this is rather splendid and that it will certainly see us, as a nation, not overstepping the mark. We must cut our cloth according to our means and not spend all our cash on cigs, booze, bingo and tax breaks for multinational corporations.


‘And what’s more, paying a significantly higher tariff than necessary, will help focus or minds on not leaving the lights on and so forth.


‘We will have to buckle down and be responsible in paying for our energy. Boris admits its a pity that we flogged off our ownership to the private sector. But also, he says its not all bad news, as some of the chaps in the party who hoovered up then sold their shares, have made a decent bob or two on the deal.


‘The PM reckons Govey boy knows this chap who can let him have a special gizmo to make the wheels and numbers go backwards', continued the spokesperson. 'And although these can be quite dangerous and blow up, causing fires and even worse, Boris reckons this can't really any worse than the shit show we now find ourselves participating in?'





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