A criminal whose unflattering photo appeared on Facebook alongside a news story about his latest drug-dealing offence has confirmed that yes, he did actually have a really tough paper round when he was a teenager.
Michael Doyle, 40 was given a 3 year jail term for supplying class A drugs, according to the local news story, with the general consensus in the Facebook comments being that he should do the time for his crime, but also that he had clearly been prematurely aged by the severity of a casual job he must have had delivering newspapers as a child.
‘Listen, yes, it’s true, I did have a particularly brutal paper round in 1998-1999 in the Squires Gate area of Blackpool when I was about 13 - thanks to all those who have commented and recognised this and who obviously empathise with my plight’.
‘I only delivered papers at the weekend - those broadsheet papers had about 10 different sections. Remember the Culture section in the Sunday Times in the 1990s? It weighed about a kilo on its own. Imagine lugging 20 of those around the Squires Gate area up past the pleasure beach - it was a a bloody backbreaker.’
‘Even just lifting a copy of the News of the World was a feat of strength. Those were the phone tapping and Fake Sheikh days and they took up about 30 pages every Sunday along with the usual mildly xenophobic stories’.
‘I was diagnosed with rheumatism at 30 and have had carpal tunnel problems and posture problems since my 20s. I must look about 65 in that police mug shot where I’m staring vacantly into the distance, as hundreds of people have kindly pointed out. Certainly wouldn’t use that one on my Insta profile. lol’
image from pixabay
Having taken one look at the Prime Minister's election campaign, the decision was made to end his suffering and the suffering of the voting public. Said the vet: 'Clearly, he's been run over by his own campaign bus and then mauled by a pack of hungry journalists. You can see in his eyes he's given up. It's a kindness to put him sleep, by sending him to the Lords.'
We can all remember Rishi in younger days, when he used chase his own tail and lick Boris Johnson's balls. He liked nothing more than to race after a culture war and follow it down a internet rabbit hole. But that wet-nosed MP is no more and all we have is mangy old mutt, with only his Ministers to bag up the $hit he leaves behind.
The vet explained: 'As you can see, his policies are all festering, his strategy reeks and his core support is just about to drop off. His quality of life in the last weeks of the campaign, is just going to painful and embarrassing. He deserves a dignified exit, something in keeping with his term as Prime Minister – so I suggest we fire him out of a confetti canon, straight into the White Cliffs of Dover.'
Image: Couleur - Pixabay
First published 12 June 2024
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