Cutting down from 7 bins? Where to throw the unused ones

After Rishi Sunak's announcement, a team of philosophers and dustmen are working on the best way to dispose of the unused bins.

A spokesman explained, 'As you know, before Sunak (BS) we had seven bins and these were used for metal, food, plastic, cardboard, clothing, government pledges and broken Brexit dreams.'

The government has released guidance suggesting that food and cardboard can be combined as by 2028 they'll be the same thing anyway, having clothing to recycle will be a distant dream, so that won't be necessary. Finally, the plastic bin should be put into itself for recycling.

NHS to switch to ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Penicillin’

Under the new strategic plan for the NHS – “Saving Money, Lives Optional” – penicillin will be phased out in favour of a vegetable oil-based substitute.

‘Most people can’t tell if they’re taking real penicillin so why waste money?’ a government spokesman said. ‘The cash we save can be spent on better cancer prevention services’, he added before clutching his belly and rocking back and forth with laughter. ‘Or maternity services!’ spluttered another spokesman, his face red with suppressed mirth. After a few minutes they composed themselves and stopped corpsing long enough to resume speech.

‘If we’re going to make this thing profitable . . . ‘ one said, before being kicked by the other. ‘What I meant to say was, if we’re to achieve the efficiencies we need from the NHS prior to the IPO, we need to cut unnecessary fat from its budgets. For example head injuries have been treated for centuries with a dab of butter . . .’

‘Butter?’ I ask. ‘You’re proposing rubbing butter on head injuries?’

‘Not Lurpak’, he clarified. ‘Danepak or margarine work just as well. Far cheaper than scanners and neurosurgery. It’s all there, peer reviewed in JOWMA’

I look at him blankly. ‘JOWMA?’

‘Journal of the Old Wives Medical Association’ he replied with a weary sigh. ‘I thought you were the medical correspondent? Their vaccine supplement is excellent. Who knew they caused cancer?’

I asked which companies would be supplying the penicillin substitutes and the spokesmen became evasive. One muttered something about the Prime Minister’s wife and the other hastily added that ‘everything will be declared, just as soon as it’s rumbled’.

So that’s that. Don’t get an infection, or if you do, become a merchant banker first so you can afford the good stuff. I’m off to buy some Danepak for the first aid kit.

Budget has something for everyone, says Sunak

The chancellor was quick to defend his Spring budget today saying it had something for absolutely everyone.

'As always, most of the measures in my budget will benefit the richest most. But I haven't forgotten everyone else. The squeezed middle will be squeezed again, and the most needy in society - well they'll get something too - increased debt, minimal increases in benefits, and the biggest fall in living standards for a couple of generations'.

'And don't forget the annual conundrum I've gifted to the most vulnerable in society once again - how are they going to make ends meet?'.

Image: Pixabay/csamhamer