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Murder victims required to draw chalk outline around themselves

As a result of budget cuts the police are insisting that either murder victims draw a chalk line around them or their assailants draw it before they scarper the crime scene. 'Chalk will be made available at all police stations, so there's no excuse,' said a police detective. 'Killers need not worry about being identified as they enter and leave the police stations - most are empty most of the time thanks to cutbacks,' he added.

Other ways victims of crime can help the police includes writing down the killer's name and phone number before dying. 'It's a well-known fact that most murder victims know their killers, so if everyone carries a list of all the people they know at all times then that will be a good starting point for our stretched resources,' said the detective. 'Obviously if the killers were really being helpful they could draw an arrow pointing to their name,' he said.

The final advice for victims is that the police would really appreciate victims booking an appointment for any violent crime. 'Just dialling 999 isn't going to cut it today,' said the detective. 'If we're not too busy or overstretched we might respond in a week or so, but if you schedule your killing up to six months in advance we can pretty well assure that we will arrive just as the killer is making a safe and secure getaway. We strongly recommend you book an ambulance at the same time - some killers are incredibly shoddy and you never know, you might survive long enough to not be seen by a trauma surgeon,' he pointed out.

Image: Newsbiscuit

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