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Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers



The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.


‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.


‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.


A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.


Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.





First published 17 Jan 2023


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Ajar front door in TV crime show nothing suspicious


In a first for TV police and crime dramas, a slightly ajar front door confronting nervous police officers as they arrive at the house of their prime suspect has turned out to be absolutely nothing suspicious at all. 


A genuinely innocent oversight on the part of the criminal to close their front door when they went in to their house, is thought to have occurred in season 7, episode 12 of the popular police procedural The Thin Blue Line of Duty.


'Me and my new partner Mike - a wet behind the ears recent police graduate recruit who is very nervous on his first day on the beat but whose dad was a legendary old school copper who bent the rules but got results - turned up at the door of Brian BigLord, a notorious drugs baron after a tip off about a domestic, and on knocking on the door, immediately clocked that the door creaked slightly open and hadn't been shut properly', said Shelly McBride, a sassy, streetwise and sharp-talking WPC who doesn't take any shit in the still male-dominated local station where she works. 


'We gave each other a knowing glance, and then assumed our standard acting positions to enter the house - me in front with my truncheon out, Mike behind, covering me as I pushed the door fully open and tiptoed in, fully expecting a chaotic scene of carnage inside, with bodies and blood everywhere', continued McBride. 


'But then Brian Biglord comes to the door and says 'Oh hi, I must have forgot to shut this properly when I brought the big Aldi shop in from the car a few minutes ago. Thanks a lot. Now what can I do yous for? Fancy a cuppa? Lisa, its the local coppers - put the kettle on, lovely will you?'


'That just tops a confounding week for me', said McBride. 'Yesterday, I went to a suspect's house, and for the first time ever, sent a colleague round the back of the house to keep guard before I knocked on the front door.'


'When the suspect inevitably tried to scarper out the back when they saw it was the police, we were right there to nick him without having to do a 10 minute chase through a load of gardens, and where he knocks over a load of bins right into my path to slow me down just enough so he has time to climb over a large wall and then laugh at me as I get stuck at the top of it and he makes his escape'. 


'And a couple of days ago, I noticed a car driving slowly past my house multiple times with 2 blokes looking closely in and pointing at me quite menacingly, accompanied by some scary background music. I confronted them and it turns out they were looking to buy a three bedroom house in the area. My house had been up on the market for ages, but these guys have just put in an offer of the full asking price. Result'.      


Farage to be given advance notice of atrocities


Nigel Farage has demanded that terror organisations give him some notice before major atrocities so he can arrange to be near a camera. The Pound Shop Messiah has had a difficult few months, with an unexplained £900k house and an only-too-well-explained 10 year sentence for his top man in Wales.


‘We can’t have nosy journalists asking Nigel about his colleague working for Russia or a potentially dodgy house deal’, a spokesman explained. ‘So he’s been staying away lately. We’re down to councillors representing Reform on TV now. It was either that or Lee Anderson, and we had to reimburse the Beeb for all the crayons he ate last time’.


Reform strategists would like to keep Nigel Farage out of view until they can find a distraction, so the Bondi Beach attack was particularly poor timing.


‘Of course Nigel made a statement’, the spokesman said. ‘He loves a good terror attack. Bit of a shame that the hero of the hour was called Ahmed – we were hoping for somebody a bit . . . whiter - but still – them bloody Muslims, eh?’


Australian police are investigating all angles, including an unconfirmed rumour that the terrorists might have developed antisemitic feelings at Dulwich College, which reportedly educated a notorious antisemite in the 1970s.


image from Grok

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