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Nigel Farage has reported the 1979 new wave band XTC to the Metropolitan Police after discovering that Making Plans for Nigel contains his first name.


Farage said the song had “clearly been lying dormant as a sleeper cell for nearly fifty years” before being activated by his recent social media activity.


“They always deny it,” he explained. “First it’s an innocent pop song. Next thing you know, it’s awaiting instructions.”


Counter-terrorism officers are now examining XTC’s back catalogue for other suspected sleeper cells. Generals and Majors is being investigated for military subversion, while Senses Working Overtime is believed to contain coded messages that can only be unlocked by playing it backwards.


The surviving members of XTC insist the song was written in 1979 about a completely different Nigel.


Reform sources described that as “exactly the sort of cover story you’d establish if you were planning a fifty-year deep-state, establishment operation.”



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The police have been called in after allegations have been aired on the BBC in relation to a certain unnamed political party.


The broadcaster has suggested that the party has indulged in bribery, corruption, cronyism, sexual harassment, drunkenness, drug taking, criminal economic incompetence, criminal stupidity, hypocrisy, racism, lying to Parliament, homophobia, xenophobia and judging by the behaviour of the vast majority of members, hydrophobia.


The Twittersphere is in meltdown whilst people try to work out who the political party is. Already the Whigs and the Monster Raving Loony parties have denied it is them and have threatened legal action.


Speaking on condition of anonymity, MP Andrea Leadsom said ‘The BBC would do well to put its’ own house in order before making baseless accusations. And I would remind the Corporation of two little words – ‘Licence’ and ‘Fee’.


Meanwhile at New Scotland Yard Captain Renault briefed the media on the case. “You would think that after over 13 years of resignations, arrests and convictions these hardened reprobates would have learned their lessons – but alas no”. He sighed wearily and concluded “Round up the usual suspects”.



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First published 11 Jul 2023


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