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After the high stakes disaster porn of Covid, Trump, Brexit, Ukraine and Gaza, the nation was reassured today to return to the comforting familiarity of grade inflation stories.


'It’s like hearing the theme music to Wimbledon, or the Met Office’s annual prediction of a ‘barbecue summer’ that never arrives,' said one commuter, looking up from his newspaper. 'It reminds you that there’ll always be an England, and some things will never change.'


'I suppose on some level it’s not good that kids are getting an A grade just for turning up for the exam on the right day, and an A star if they know their name as well… But I don’t care. It’s just so reassuring to read that story every year. Whenever I see it, I know it’s time to renew my home insurance and get the car serviced.'


He then admitted that he always buys the Telegraph on what he calls 'fruity girls' day, a reference to that newspaper’s tradition of illustrating the annual A-level results story with a picture of the prettiest girls it can find opening their results, which he insisted was quality journalism and not creepy at all.




Celebrity muck-raker Isobel Oakeshott "can't understand" why several potential clients have pulled out of employing her to help write their autobiographies.


"Matt's book is all over the news, he should be happy" fumed a confidential confidante of Ms Oakeshott, whose name we'll reveal in next week's Telegraph. "Izzy always makes sure her clients get loads of publicity, just ask David Cameron. She offers a watertight legal guarantee giving clients total control over all their data, until such time as she gets a more lucrative offer. Or get bored."


It's understood that literally several politicians had been considering using her services, but no longer. Said one 'everything she does involves cocks - time for me to pull out.' However, things may be looking up for her now that her WhatsApp has just pinged with a message from a Mr Johnson.




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