Those Reform policies in full

With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.

1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.

In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: from the NB archive

Calls for American XL Bully to be put down after savaging a house guest

Early indications are of a poor show for Dogs at Polling Stations

Overnight returns reveal a low turn out for dogs at polling stations all over the country. Owners have been accused of 'dropping the ball', and giving their pets 'the runaround'.

This election has been 'dogged' by several scandals, including rumours of Pals and Pedigree Chums, along with XL Bullying and brown nosing.

Working dogs, however, have done relatively well, managing to shepherd some support. Smaller, small nosed dogs have remained pugnacious.

The Kennel Club have reminded voters that this was just a local election, and for Police Dogs. They have promised a much better turnout for the National event, Crufts, later in the year, but say people need to bring along documented proof of pedigree.

photo: Photo by gotdaflow on Unsplash