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Boris Johnson to renounce ‘human form’


Speaking to a packed room of journalists, the PM said he would run again but only in his natural reptilian shape. Mr. Johnson is not the first flesh-eating, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial to represent the Conservative Party, but he is the first not to defect to UKIP. As a member of the Illuminati, Mr. Johnson argued that he was well placed to promote a cold-blooded agenda and spelt out his intention to use the failed Thames Hub Airport as the ideal location to lay his eggs.



Footage has emerged from 1987 of Mr. Johnson and David Cameron, both Oxford undergraduates at the Bullingdon Club, dislocating their jaw bones and ‘downing’ a dozen live mice. An aide commented ‘His slow metabolism prevents him electioneering in the chilly north. And while he may have a smaller brain than your average mammal, that never stopped any politician before’.

Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'




One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:


‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'


‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’


‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'


'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’


Huge Fatberg of Lobbyists discovered in Westminster drain


A 100-tonne congealed mass of lobbyists has been found festering deep underneath Westminster. The discovery comes following lobbying by MP Owen Paterson, accusations earlier this year about lobbying by ex-PM David Cameron , the awarding of COVID-contracts without procurement, and at least seven separate enquiries in 2021 into the relationship between private businesses and government.


'These sort of fatbergs have become more and more common since the Tories have come back into power, but this one we've discovered in the pipework under the House of Commons is the biggest yet,' said a Thames Water spokesperson.


'It's a mixture of oily striped-shirted and brace wearing lobbyists on their phones, combined with expensive red wine, foie gras, and chateaubriand from the Carlton Club', continued the spokesperson.


'Unfortunately, it typically it has that shared Eton public school binding agent that helps grease the wheels', concluded the spokseperson. 'Its just so hard to break down and penetrate'.




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