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Boris Johnson to renounce ‘human form’

Speaking to a packed room of journalists, the PM said he would run again but only in his natural reptilian shape. Mr. Johnson is not the first flesh-eating, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial to represent the Conservative Party, but he is the first not to defect to UKIP. As a member of the Illuminati, Mr. Johnson argued that he was well placed to promote a cold-blooded agenda and spelt out his intention to use the failed Thames Hub Airport as the ideal location to lay his eggs.

Footage has emerged from 1987 of Mr. Johnson and David Cameron, both Oxford undergraduates at the Bullingdon Club, dislocating their jaw bones and ‘downing’ a dozen live mice. An aide commented ‘His slow metabolism prevents him electioneering in the chilly north. And while he may have a smaller brain than your average mammal, that never stopped any politician before’.

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