"You don't need to put any tariffs on us or our neighbours," Danish foreign minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen told President Trump at a ceremony in the Oval Office, "because we've all made you Lord High King of Greenland."
With a smirk on his face, he formally handed the president a paper crown and a plastic badge with the words "Bigly Greenland Boss" on it, while half a dozen other European politicians applauded, sniggering, in the background.
"I'm really a king?" asked Trump, his eyes wide in ecstasy. "And I can tax my vassals?"
"Sure you are," replied Rasmussen, shoving a toilet brush into hands.
"Here's your Majesty's sceptre. And here's a year's tribute from your loving Greenland subjects," he added, handing Trump a wad of Monopoly money.
"Now I want to nuke Mexico," demanded the president, turning to a line of generals. "Can I do that?"
"Sure you can," replied one of them, nudging a colleague and giving him a wink. "Just press that red, plasticine button on your desk. There, you see? It's done."
"I'm the first ever US president to be Greenland king and I've just zapped 100 million Mexicans!" gloated Trump, climbing up onto his high chair throne. "People will remember me for ever for that!"
"Oh, you'll be remembered, all right," everyone in the room exclaimed in unison.
