European leaders have a Trump rota

Giorgia Meloni , the Italian Prime Minister, is having a media spat with Donald Trump about who wanted a selfie. The spat has been raging back and forth for a week or so.

Although the insult trading is mundane - business as usual for Trump - it has revealed that European leaders have a rota for scrapping with the US President.

Keir Starmer confirmed the existence of the rota when he said, 'I can neither confirm nor deny that there is a European Trump tantrum rota.'

Recent run-ins have included spats with Spain about Israel, with Denmark about Greenland, with Narnia about immigration, with Italy about defence, with Britain about windmills, with Ukraine about the war, and with France about marital relationships.

'It's easier to share the pain,' said a tired looking diplomat. 'It's such a waste of time. Trump only does it to impress his dimwitted MAGA supporters. So taking turns makes sense - a better use if our resources.

Next in the rota is rumoured to be the Isle of Wight. They're due to start a run in about technology - winding up Trump because the USA doesn't even have Ceefax.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Race against time to stop 'Bad Lego'

Toy makers are racing to dismantle criminal gangs selling 'Bad Lego' – construction kits that allow aficionados to build upsetting scenes or to recreate terrible events from Lego bricks. Investigators have recovered, for example, kits to build the executions by guillotine during the French Revolution, a model of the Auschwitz concentration camp, and a scale model of Epstein island.

Denmark's Lego sales help it to avoid having to sell Greenland to Orange Face.

'Lego bricks are supposed to be a positive way to stimulate children's imagination,' said a spokesman. 'Bad Lego threatens all of that. It upsets our customers and damages the brand.'

'Bad Lego isn't new. People shared their perverted work on bulletin boards in the eighties. At the start, it was naive stuff, like making Hitler's face out of black and white bricks – not much different from typing it out with X and O characters. But now it's very sophisticated. We found real Lego pirates from a Peter Pan set had been repurposed in an unauthorised 'Somali pirates' set. And the packaging was convincing and looked authentic. People are making a lot of money out of this, and it's not us.'

'Many custom scenes are made for, and bought by, dictators, drug lords and crime bosses. It's considered a mark of success if you can ask your fellow crims round to see your Alien Chest Burst Lego display, or debauched scenes at Royal Lodge, or a reconstruction of the Novichok poisoning in Salisbury. We've even found a Dark Lego Superstore on the dark web – their slogan is 'Everything is Awful'. That's a copyright violation right there.

'So we're asking people not to buy unauthorised Lego sets. And we're working with online sellers to close down this evil trade. We want to return Lego to its right place – selling £200 Lego sets to overprivileged kids who get too much pocket money.'

Image: kirill_makes_pics - Pixabay

"But you're already king of Greenland," Denmark tells Trump

"You don't need to put any tariffs on us or our neighbours," Danish foreign minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen told President Trump at a ceremony in the Oval Office, "because we've all made you Lord High King of Greenland."

With a smirk on his face, he formally handed the president a paper crown and a plastic badge with the words "Bigly Greenland Boss" on it, while half a dozen other European politicians applauded, sniggering, in the background.

"I'm really a king?" asked Trump, his eyes wide in ecstasy. "And I can tax my vassals?"

"Sure you are," replied Rasmussen, shoving a toilet brush into hands.

"Here's your Majesty's sceptre. And here's a year's tribute from your loving Greenland subjects," he added, handing Trump a wad of Monopoly money.

"Now I want to nuke Mexico," demanded the president, turning to a line of generals. "Can I do that?"

"Sure you can," replied one of them, nudging a colleague and giving him a wink. "Just press that red, plasticine button on your desk. There, you see? It's done."

"I'm the first ever US president to be Greenland king and I've just zapped 100 million Mexicans!" gloated Trump, climbing up onto his high chair throne. "People will remember me for ever for that!"

"Oh, you'll be remembered, all right," everyone in the room exclaimed in unison.

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