top of page

Toy makers are racing to dismantle criminal gangs selling 'Bad Lego' – construction kits that allow aficionados to build upsetting scenes or to recreate terrible events from Lego bricks. Investigators have recovered, for example, kits to build the executions by guillotine during the French Revolution, a model of the Auschwitz concentration camp, and a scale model of Epstein island.


Denmark's Lego sales help it to avoid having to sell Greenland to Orange Face.


'Lego bricks are supposed to be a positive way to stimulate children's imagination,' said a spokesman. 'Bad Lego threatens all of that. It upsets our customers and damages the brand.'


'Bad Lego isn't new. People shared their perverted work on bulletin boards in the eighties. At the start, it was naive stuff, like making Hitler's face out of black and white bricks – not much different from typing it out with X and O characters. But now it's very sophisticated. We found real Lego pirates from a Peter Pan set had been repurposed in an unauthorised 'Somali pirates' set. And the packaging was convincing and looked authentic. People are making a lot of money out of this, and it's not us.'


'Many custom scenes are made for, and bought by, dictators, drug lords and crime bosses. It's considered a mark of success if you can ask your fellow crims round to see your Alien Chest Burst Lego display, or debauched scenes at Royal Lodge, or a reconstruction of the Novichok poisoning in Salisbury. We've even found a Dark Lego Superstore on the dark web – their slogan is 'Everything is Awful'. That's a copyright violation right there.


'So we're asking people not to buy unauthorised Lego sets. And we're working with online sellers to close down this evil trade. We want to return Lego to its right place – selling £200 Lego sets to overprivileged kids who get too much pocket money.'



"You don't need to put any tariffs on us or our neighbours," Danish foreign minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen told President Trump at a ceremony in the Oval Office, "because we've all made you Lord High King of Greenland."


With a smirk on his face, he formally handed the president a paper crown and a plastic badge with the words "Bigly Greenland Boss" on it, while half a dozen other European politicians applauded, sniggering, in the background.


"I'm really a king?" asked Trump, his eyes wide in ecstasy. "And I can tax my vassals?"


"Sure you are," replied Rasmussen, shoving a toilet brush into hands.


"Here's your Majesty's sceptre. And here's a year's tribute from your loving Greenland subjects," he added, handing Trump a wad of Monopoly money.


"Now I want to nuke Mexico," demanded the president, turning to a line of generals. "Can I do that?"


"Sure you can," replied one of them, nudging a colleague and giving him a wink. "Just press that red, plasticine button on your desk. There, you see? It's done."


"I'm the first ever US president to be Greenland king and I've just zapped 100 million Mexicans!" gloated Trump, climbing up onto his high chair throne. "People will remember me for ever for that!"


"Oh, you'll be remembered, all right," everyone in the room exclaimed in unison.





Denmark has upped the ante with President Trump by not only sending an advance party of three soldiers to Greenland but by attacking the US in a three pronged economic attack targeted at the President.


Point 1:  Denmark supplies the US with 30% of the insulin it uses.


US response: Ha! The Donald doesn't care because he doesn't know he's type 2 diabetic.  He thinks the daily injection is diet coke.


Point 2:  Denmark supplies the US with 100% of Ozempic.


US response:  Ha!  The Donald doesn't care because he doesn't know he's fat, like really fat.  Hence, see point 1.


Point 3:  Denmark supplies the US with 100% of Lego.


US response:  Ha!  The Donald has other toys to play with, like nuclear missiles.  But he does like building Lego walls on his desk, so maybe he'll relent on the tariffs.




bottom of page