Why were the shoes so important? To cover his cloven hooves

.

FIFA to open sponsorship talks with Beelzebub

Satan is reportedly in negotiations with FIFA to sponsor the football World Cup, with Hades likely to bid for the 2038 or 2042 event.

A FIFA spokesman said 'Football is universally loved, so we have taken it upon ourselves to universally ruin it. First VAR, now selling the game directly to the Devil. If the host country keeps the cash flowing, executing journalists and criminalising gay people is practically encouraged. I silence my conscience with cash.'

'Plus, hosting a football tournament in Hell means the workers who build the stadiums are already dead so they can't die again. Result! In fact some of them died building the Qatar 2018 venues, so they've got the relevant experience.'

A spokesdemon distanced the Dark Lord from the project however, noting that 'FIFA is a bit evil for our brand right now.'

author: stewartbarclay

image from pixabay

UK to drill for oil in Hell

A government spokesperson said: 'We believe there are big gas reserves - mainly sulfur. Yes, there is a substantial risk of unleashing Satan's horde, but that's a small price to pay for not having wind turbines cluttering the landscape.'

Greenpeace was not as complimentary about opening up Dante's Inferno, they said: 'Play Oil Industry games, win Oil Industry prizes. In other words, in the true spirit of f$ck around meets find out, the UK will become a portal to Hell. Which is not a metaphor for Brexit.'

Nevertheless, drilling will start in earnest, with a direct tunnel between Lucifer and Downing Street, reopening the original link used by Margaret Thatcher. A contractor explained: 'We hope to pump thousands of barrels of black liquid, 10% oil, 90% the congealed souls of Tory ministers.'