'Stoppit!' Satan demands of Putin

This morning, Vladimir Putin was presented with a Cease and Desist demand from the Prince of Darkness himself – Satan – following the Russian despot's increased threats of launching his new nuclear missiles, nicknamed “The Satan 2”.

‘I’m absolutely miffed,’ claimed the ruler of Hell. ‘For years – for millennia, really – I’ve been completely misunderstood and totally misrepresented.

‘I’m not a bad guy.’ He went on ‘I give people what they want. You want money, come to me. You want fame, glory, anything fun. If you want any of the stuff that puts a smile on your face, I’ll give it to you. All I ask in return is for your eternal soul, but what’s that compared to gold wallpaper or a swimming pool in your garden?

‘I’m the fun uncle! But now this bloke has started flashing around this great bloody rocket that could destroy the world, and he’s slapped my bloody name on it! I don’t need or want that sort of publicity – I certainly don’t want to be associated with the end of the world. I can’t rule it if it’s destroyed, can I?’

A spokesman for the Devil has stated that if the Russian President does not issue an apology to Mr Satan, they will sue him for defamation of character.

Beelzebub offers ‘warm space’ to freezing pensioners

Beelzebub is an enthusiastic supporter of the Government initiative to provide warm spaces to anyone who can’t afford to heat their home. He has generously offered to open up his premises to provide a warm space for anyone that needs it, 24/7.

Some may be doubtful about taking up the offer, but Beelzebub says that people should give it a try – there is no obligation involved other than some small print about giving up your soul. A small price to pay.

Alice and Terry Spoons sampled Beelzebub’s hospitality at his venue in Hartlepool. They agreed that the premises were very warm – a little too hot, perhaps. They said that the experience was broadly positive, although were a few unexpected things going on while they were there and on occasion they had to look away. They have decided against participating in the activities for now, but are considering joining in at a later session. They did enjoy meeting the Jimmy Saville lookalike.

They agreed that Mr Beelzebub was very generous and they are grateful that small businesses like this are helping people out at a difficult time. Although they may have misunderstood Beelzebub’s statement that he is a soul trader.

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image from pixabay

Nominations for House of Lords to include the Mouth of Sauron

As always, the list includes the absolute dregs of humanity and half the cast Gremlins. If there was roll call of morons, this is it. It should be noted, in 2020 House of Lords beat Mos Eisley to the title of most ‘Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy’ for the tenth time.

The nominations will be confirmed once HR has received their character references from Beelzebub. Meanwhile Santa is said to be angry that his Naughty List has been plagiarized.

Said the Mouth: ‘After a lifetime of evil doing, I’m just glad to be spoken of in the same sentence of Paul Dacre. I may be the Mouth of Sauron but he is surely the Anus of Hell.'

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photo: https://pixabay.com/users/makyfoto-448289/