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Embarrassment over footage of man at Coldplay gig

ree

A man was today hugely embarrassed at footage showing him in the audience at a Coldplay gig.


“Look, it’s not me,” he protested, as the footage showed him hiding his face the moment he realised he was on camera. “It’s just someone who looks like me. I’m in lots of photos with Jeffrey Epstein, that’s why I look familiar…


“Oh all right, it’s me,” he finally admitted. “But I only went because I’m having an affair with a woman at work, and she insisted. To be honest, it was a real wake-up call - until then, I was thinking we might have a future together.”


His wife has issued a statement saying she knew all about the affair, but seeing him at a Coldplay gig was the last straw and she’s now initiating divorce proceedings.



Smug bastard cycles to work


ree

Employees at a firm in London express their outrage as their smug bastard colleague cycles to work for the third time this week.


Fifty-two-year-old Chris Davis favours arriving at the office sinewy, weather-beaten and lycra-clad for the sole purpose of making everyone feel bad about themselves, the employees speculate. Sheeted in sweat, Chris appears at the office entrance doing high-knees to stop his heart rate from falling, before clapping his hands together and yelling "Who’s pumped!" at his sluggish subordinates.


'He walks around with the bravado and flush of someone who’s just got laid,' data analyst John comments. 'He does his lunges in the office kitchen, still out of breath, with the sated, self-satisfied look of a uni student swaggering to the communal fridge in his underwear. I’m almost expecting a woman in a bathrobe to follow behind and urge him to come back to bed.'


'He asks me how my morning has been, but it’s just a ploy so he can talk about his,' Kate explains. ' "What were you doing at 5:30 this morning?" he asks, knowing full well that I was asleep with last night’s makeup forming a flaky crust on my face. He then goes on to tell me how he was up doing his tantric breathing exercises and welcoming the sunrise. He uses a different adjective to describe the sunrise everyday. This morning it was "transcendent."'


Chris’s irritating lifestyle choices have also extended to his eating habits. 'How has this somehow become my problem?' secretary Ella laments, describing how Chris joylessly raises his blood sugar with a banana at 9am, before conspicuously eating nothing until a protein bar at 12. Ella describes being held verbally hostage as he regurgitates an article he read on metabolism last night, urging her to take up Pilates to "become her best self".'


'He's handling the divorce about as well as you would expect.'


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