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No hypocrisy in helping fellow rich arsehole, spokesperson for Farage says



A spokesperson for anti-immigration, pro-sovereignty politician Nigel Farage has said that his recent whirlwind visit to support Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic in his battle with Australian immigration was not hypocritical, but consistent with Farage's fundamental belief in the right of very rich people to do whatever they liked, regardless of the law or public health.


When an entitled arsehole is in trouble, Mr Farage will fly to the rescue" said a spokesperson. "First class of course".


Mr Farage has released a video of him meeting Mr Djokovic and his brother. Novak smiles, while his brother is thought to be heard saying in Serbian "So this guy's an immigration lawyer is he? He's got government connections? How da f@ck is he going to help us then?"


Following a sarcastic comment from Andy Murray about the politician being better known for "trying to get Eastern Europeans deported", Farage is thought to have been heard saying he will support Novak if he plays "that Scottish tennis player". Farage was expected to enter the Australian Open himself - the veteran's competition of course - but had to withdraw after recently straining his back jumping on a bandwagon.



First published 11 Jan 2022



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Novak Industries regret adding emotion chip to Djokovic



In a statement issued today, Novak Industries have said they regret the decision to add an emotion chip to their most famous product, the Djokovic.


”It just seemed the next logical step,” explained the company’s Head of Product Development. “We’d made it look convincingly human… OK, we never quite got the hair right, but aside from that. And it was beating almost every human opponent at tennis.


”So we thought we’d try and give it the ability to be pleased when it won a point. Or at least, to look as if it was pleased - I’m happy to leave that question to the philosophers.”


Early results were disappointing, however, as the Djokovic began displaying signs of annoyance with spectators and arguing with its on-site technician.


”It’s a classic case of unintended consequences. We should have known better - it was always a disaster when they tried it with Data in Star Trek TNG.”


However, they weren’t optimistic about their chances of ever removing the chip, as the Djokovic declared they could “take it from [his] cold, dead object manipulation peripherals” before breaking down in tears crying “Why does no one love me?”





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