Banknote animal contest 'to the death', screams a bloodthirsty Attenborough

Sir David Attenborough has confided in colleagues that as he begins his 2nd century, his usual leisure pursuits of dolphin drowning, chimpanzee knife fights and adding to his collection of panda-fur pimp coats, no longer hold the same appeal they once did.

One cameraman said, 'Poor old Dave. Even hippopotamus porn, setting fire to rare grasslands and high stakes wagers involving poisonous frogs are now losing their lustre. But when he heard about a contest for putting British animals on bank notes, his eyes lit up with a blood lust I've not seen since Blue Planet II: This Time It's Personal.'

A statement from Attenborough's office said 'Who doesn't want to see a badger fight a kestrel, only for a fox going through some bins to get the nod for the £20 note? Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitches! Queensberry Rules.'

BBC to make low-cost docudrama about Trump Panorama

'It's what the BBC does best, making low-cost docudramas about real events,' said a BBC spokesman today.  'With worldwide syndication costs expected to bring in about $5 Billion and production costs estimated at about thirty quid then the Beeb breaks even if it loses, launches another radio station if it wins,' he added.  'Or can afford to keep paying Kuenssberg her salary for another year'.

The docudrama is expected to include real footage from the Trump statement it edited on Panorama intertwined with the broadcast version on Panorama (with subtitles alerting viewers the former was by a certifiable crackpot and the latter was edited by one, too).  Then there will be the dramatised courtroom segment intercut with the lawyers talking out of court, discussing strategy, legal points and which Ferrari the case will buy them (both sides).  A pair of mock juries will be shown the drama, each with a unique twist (one based on truth and the other based on Truth Social), with opposite results expected.

The BBC hope they can convince President Trump himself to appear in a cameo that will lend authenticity to his character while destroying his real-time court case.  Alternatively they hope the BBC lawyers can get him to appear in the real court case just to destroy his real-time court case.  Both options are preferred.

'There's a lot riding on this,' said the BBC spokesman, 'including my bonus.

Panorama are understood to be making a documentary about the docudrama about the Panorama show that spawned the docudrama.  They are also planning a Panorama about the furore expected about them making a documentary about the Panorama show that spawned the docudrama.  There might be a docudrama about that, too.   'Trust me, the BBC isn't going anywhere fast, ' said the spokesman.

Harry in Ukraine: step one of the rehabilitation plan

Charles has set Harry a target of 10,000 charitable works to secure his rehabilitation to royal life.

Every journey begins with the first step. In this case, it's Harry's visit to Ukraine. Charles said that Harry's donation to Children in Need does not count, as rehabilitation must be earned and cannot be bought. And nor should rehabilitation be filmed for Netflix or written about in trashy books.

After a long period of abstinence from the media a modest BBC documentary on BBC Four might be acceptable.

Harry is reported to be very pleased, as he now feels that he has a purpose in life, beyond transferring popcorn from big bags into little bags. He has worked out that, at the rate of two visits a day, he should be restored to the King's good books by 2039. As long as nothing else goes wrong before then...

image from google gemini