Churchwardens struggling to keep Reform afloat

As news broke today that a part-time Churchwarden from Potters Bar has funnelled £200,000 into Reform in the last six months, the Churchwarden has spoken about the strain of finding the money to keep Reform UK Ltd afloat out of his non-existent salary.

'Nigel suggested it would be easy,' he said. 'After all, the Reform leader's girlfriend had managed to find nearly £1 million pounds to buy a house near Clacton, despite not having an income of any note.  I do some conveyancing,' he added, 'but I didn't get the Clacton gig.  'That would have made the donations so much easier.'

The Churchwarden is expected to make up some of the shortfall by advising on architectural landscaping, a subject he doesn't have any experience of.  'Apparently some foreign billionaire wants me to act as a consultant as long as I use the fee to help Reform out,' he said.

A Reform spokesman said Dear Leader would be able to help out with fundraising, if needed. 'He could arrange flowers on the occasional Sunday, as long as a photo-op was included.  And, of course, payment.  In crypto.' 

Image credit: perchance.org

All the makings of a dodgy care salesman

Dodgy salesman feels stupid now

Dave (34) is a salesman. He’s always believed himself to be adept at straddling the boundary between truth and bullsh!t, keeping his claims credible so he can close the sale.

‘I genuinely believed that customers would show me the door if I said something ridiculous’, he told reporters. ‘Like claiming that our double glazing will cure cancer, or generate limitless wealth, or telling a dissatisfied customer that their condensation is caused by immigrants. I just thought people had some common sense. Having seen the rise of Trump and Reform, I feel a bit silly now’.

Dave is one of a growing number of sales professionals (we use the term loosely) who have started to question their very existence. ‘How did we not know this?’, he asked us. ‘I’ve done sales training, I even read a book once – nobody ever told me you can tell literal fairy tales and people will still bite’.

Dave is now undergoing training in post-truth sales techniques. ‘The important thing is to have a hate figure. I’m going with “sash windows are woke” as a starting point. I’ve had some success telling people that sash windows cause pronouns. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what a pronoun is, but I know they’re bad’.

At this stage it’s unclear whether politics is the new double-glazing or vice versa, but we’re pretty sure we’re all f*cked!

image from pixabay

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