Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.

The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.

He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.

The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.

The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.

A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.

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Homer releases new epic called The Trumpyssey

Ancient Greek author Homer has released his first epic for 3,000 years, called the Trumpyssey.

The story, written in the author's signature dactylic hexameter, tells of how King Trump is lured into the Persian Gulf by the Sirens of Likud along with his ship of fools - Vance, Hegseth, Witkoff, and all the deranged hayseeds who attended his rallies.

Trump then spends years trying and failing to extricate them all through the Strait of Hormuz.

Every day, he claims he is 'very close' to a deal with the Persians which will get him out of the situation into which he moronically pitched himself . But he is trapped between a rock and a hard place: the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps and his own monstrous ego - meaning that he manages only to go round and round in circles for years.

Finally, King Trump's crew mutiny and make him walk the plank - ie. his gormless son-in-law Jared Kushner.

Watch out for a Cameo appearance from King Trump's vile acolyte Nigel Farage, the mythical One-Eyed Trouser Snake of Clacton.

An apology: When this story was first published, we incorrectly said that Homer wrote in iambic pentameter, a writing style more usually associated with William Shakespeare. Homer, of course, usually wrote in dactylic hexameter. We are happy to set the record straight and apologise for the error, a lapse from the high standards to which we aspire.

Image credit: chatGPT

Games Night at the White House

The Trump team posted a picture of the big orange man baby playing Uno and 'holding all the cards'. As you win at Uno by getting rid of all your cards, this suggests that Donald may play Uno according to his own unique and made-up rules.

But he doesn't just play Uno! He plays lots of games and makes up his own rules to all of them. Here's a quick rundown...

Monopoly - on your first go, the Trump tactic is to borrow everything you need from the Bank of Sevastopol and buy everyone out. You win! For a quicker game, just confiscate all the Monopoly sets until you have a Monopoly monopoly.

Risk - attack everywhere - except Russia and China, obviously - and refuse to accept defeat even after you've obviously lost. When you have nothing left, you win by declaring 'mission accomplished'.

Old Maid - this is the only game where Melania is allowed to win, even though Donald only plays small hands.

Buckeroo - the winner is the person who gets the most things when the horse bucks.

Mousetrap - win the game by demolishing everything on the east side of the board. Donald likes this game because the movements distract everyone and make them think that something useful is happening. It isn't.

Russian roulette - always go last, after everyone else has had a good go at it.

Cowboys and Indians - always choose cowboy and get ICE in to sort out the Indians.

Russian Cluedo - the candlestick and the rope are by Novichok and a window.

Russian Monopoly - played on the London board. The winning player is the one who acquires all the properties.

Chess - Donald plays with very big pieces and his opponents play with small pieces. His king can move wherever it wants. Queens aren't allowed. Bishops must remain silent. Win by jumping over all your opponents pieces and going off in a huff.

Pictionary - You've seen Donald's handwriting. What makes you think he's ever going to play Pictionary? He played once, with Epstein, but his drawing of a woman's body and accompanying message didn't impress.

Obama Llama - to win, set fire to the box and jump up and down on it

Exploding kittens - Donald's favourite game, which he insists on playing with real kittens.

Cluedo - it's always Mr Orange in the Ballroom with an infeasibly large marker pen

Image: Doerge - Pixabay

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