New Mad Max film to become a documentary

With fuel prices set to rise, the world is expected to don its leather biker gear and fight to the death for the last drop of unleaded. Advice is to redesign your wardrobe for airflow, spikes, and intimidation.

Community will be essential — car-cult membership optional. Matching paint jobs and a shared belief in vehicular destiny is a must. And what matters is confidence-so grease on your face, and shout 'She’ll run!' before flooring it.

If you can strap a flamethrower to an electric guitar, congratulations — you are now responsible for the soundtrack of the apocalypse. Maps are for cowards. Drive into the wasteland on vibes alone. And the White House explained. 'Fuel will be the new currency. Treat petrol the way your nan treats teabags: hoard it, guard it, and only bring it out for very special occasions.' In other news, King Pyrrhus of Epirus phoned and asked Donald Trump if he can have his victory back.

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Trump to clear Strait of Hormuz with his mouth

Donald Trump will personally clear the Strait of Hormuz using only his enormous mouth, White House sources have confirmed today. The mouth, believed to be one of the largest natural phenomena in the western hemisphere, will swallow the Iranian navy and revolutionary guard bases whole, while he simultaneously refills the troubled sea lane with salty crocodile tears for the victims of US missiles.

'I don't need any help' clarified the President on social media, in a follow up to his previous message 'help me you bastards'. 'My mouth is bigger than Iran. You can see it from space, that's why we sent Artemis up, to check, and the crew tell me it's true, they're good people.

'It's big enough to fit Bill Clinton's sax. And loads of his jazz.'

UK government spokespeople have hurried to confirm that the Royal Navy will not be involved in Mr Trump's operation, due to the danger of billions of gallons of his corrosive spittle and bile corroding warships that have only just been painted and waxed. That, and the risk of being crushed by his foot, which is sure to soon follow wherever his mouth goes.

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Trump caught knocking on invisible door – again

Yet more pictures of Donald Trump raising a fist to knock on thin air have been revealed by the press, leading to further questions about his mental fitness.

'Wherever POTUS says there’s a door, there’s a door,’ said a White House spokesperson on Sunday. ‘Now f*** off back to your fakestream rag.'

But others have claimed that the doddering President’s hand gesture must mean something else. ‘He’s never knocked on a door in his life,’ said an anonymous former Miss World contestant. 'He always just burst in to perv on us. 'Nice knockers', he would say.'

Geriatric authoritarian specialist Dr John Smith commented, 'In his first term he often managed to recognise doors. His current behaviour could be merely a medication side-effect – or he’s just living in an alternate reality.'

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