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Reform UK introduces donor card scheme

Writer: Jeremynh
Jeremynh
Sep 4
If you believe this, you'll believe anything
If you believe this, you'll believe anything

Insurgent populist party Reform UK has introduced a revolutionary donor card scheme which it hopes British citizens will carry with them at all times.


The card says: "In the event of me happening to be related to some very rich foreigner, I will allow millions of Bitcoins to be channelled through my bank account into the coffers of Reform UK."


I suppose there is nothing wrong with such a card being printed or carried," said Court of Appeal judge Lord Bufton Tufton, considering an application for the donor card to be banned. "But if we were to find out that Reform was secretly getting money from foreign donors in this way, the law would crack down on the practice as decisively as it is doing now - ie. not at all."   


Image: Co-Pilot



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Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first

Writer: Gerontius
Gerontius
Mar 2



Boris Johnson has told fleeing Ukranian refugees they would be able to enter the UK on a visa but only if they bid in an auction to play him at tennis and make donations to the Conservative party.


Mr Johnson said it was only fair that Ukranian refugees faced the same level of rigorous checks and balances that super rich Russian oligarchs faced when they first came to the UK.


Assessing the tennis skills of wealthy individuals wanting to become UK citizens had been a very effective way of establishing whether they were suitable or not. Other ways of assessing a persons character include a game of bridge with a Tory peer and attending a gymkhana event at your local pony club.


The PM said the plight of Ukranians fleeing their country was of great concern to the UK but they had to show just how serious they were about wanting to escape the threat of Russian bombs.


‘And what better way to show how desperate you are to escape death than to make a huge donation to the Conservative party’ said the PM ‘it shows a willingness to fit in.


And as a goodwill gesture to our Ukrainian friends we won’t be asking the women and children to establish their source of wealth’.




First published 12Mar 2022


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