Jenrick asks for police help in recovering hundreds of black outfits and face coverings

'Honest' Bob Jenrick has reported the theft of a large quantity of black outfits and face coverings, Reform had been able to purchase for a late summer fancy dress ball, thanks to a generous donation from an overseas billionaire; and had allowed the outfits to be borrowed by what was claimed to be a good cause, but which now appears to be a bunch of dodgy scrotes, who never returned them as promised.

Mr Jenrick told Newsbiscuit he suspects there were worn by migrants; with the face coverings needed to hide the scrotes' skin colour; and won’t be happy until the police arrest every person of colour then turn their drums over to recover the missing outfits.

Image: Men In Black PNG Images (Transparent HD Photo Clipart)

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Palestine Action and Just Stop Oil to copy Dover protest methods

'We're going to ditch the placards, slogans and superglue stunts,' said a pensioner activist, 'and adopt the Dover approach.'

Apparently Doris, 84 and retired, is a dab hand at knitting balaclavas for her grandkids, and Eric, 72, has a mountain of black dye ready to colour dozens of cardigans in the tin bath he uses in front of the fire to bathe in.

'We won't say anything, we'll just march on our Zimmer frames in our black balaclavas and cardis blocking the High Street, disrupting the end of season sales and generally being a silent nuisance. The police can't do anything now a precedent has been set in Dover, and we'll finish off with a sit-in at the bingo hall,' said Eric.

'When I say sit-in, I mean sit down. I can't protest like I used to do,' he added. 'It's my knees.'

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Starmer: 'Stop the boats... full of Tory defectors'

Keir Starmer – the answer to the question who would finish third in a Keir Starmer lookalike competition, behind a Keir Starmer cardboard cutout and a Henry Hoover with print out of Keir Starmer’s face stuck on – has been forced to clamp down on the sheer number of Tory defectors to Labour.

One Labour MP said 'Most Tory MPs are sociopathically addicted to power and so have no problem changing parties in their lust for control. These Tory immigrants are arriving in small boats, sailing across the floor of the House of Commons. We could deport them to Rwanda for processing, but apparently, "that’s illegal". Boooooooring.'

'The Tories say we should leave the ECHR, but that's because the H stands for Human and so it doesn't apply to them.'

Photo by Dimitry Ljasuk on Unsplash