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Samaritans calls for an end to EastEnders


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Samaritans crisis counselling service has made an urgent plea to EastEnders producers begging them to stop making the long-running soap.


A spokesman for the charity commented, ‘Recently we have been overrun with calls during transmission of the show and it’s just becoming all too much for our phone counsellors to handle.’


One call centre worker who asked for his identity not to be disclosed said: 'On sixty-three separate occasion I requested emergency services go to Beachy Head to talk down ‘jumpers’ following last Christmas Day's episode.'


So far, the BBC has yet to respond to the request.

BBC will outsource future drama projects to Acton am-dram group


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In the wake of another attack by Prime Minister Boris Johnson (you're not dreaming, he still is), the BBC announced a move that will no longer see them paying top stars large salaries.


The corporation is to close its world-famous drama studio later this year, and instead all future programmes will be produced and staged by amateur dramatic society, St Michael’s Strolling Players from Acton.


The first programme slated under the new arrangement will an adaptation of the James Joyce classic, Ulysses, with bus driver Alan Chivers cast in the role of Leopold Bloom. The production is to be broadcast live from Acton Drill Hall to save on costly studio sets and recording facilities.


Daphne Miller, a doctor’s receptionist and the group’s creative director said: ‘Alan’s really not bad at all once he's had a few brandies to settle his nerves. His Sky Masterson, when we did Guys and Dolls last Summer, was two-starred by the The Acton Bugle's arts critic.


'Yes, he can be a little shaky remembering lines, but if we write them on bits of the set I'm sure it’ll be alright on the night.’



First published 2 May 2022



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David Cameron to join cast of EastEnders



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The showbiz world is tonight agog following a shock announcement former PM, David Cameron, is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders later in the year.


Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron's character will become a thorn in the side of tough guy Grant Mitchell, with the pair's blockbusting storyline concluding in the highly coveted Christmas Day episode.


'We expect ratings to soar from November when David's scenes start to go out,' commented one show insider.


Meanwhile Ross Kemp who plays Mitchell said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting Dave. But if he knows what's good for him he'll keep his neck wound in. Else the muppet's liable to get a right good slap if he tries coming it large with any of that old "Lord Muck" bollocks.'


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