TV detective to tackle teen graffiti threat

The flagship police drama returns to our screens with a series of hard-hitting story-lines; such as fly-tipping, unsolicited dogging and the misuse of cycle lanes. In a community already devastated by murder, dour faced detectives will tackle a spate of shocking crimes that culminate in the vandalism of the cricket pavilion.

A writer explained: ‘We’ll address the serious issues such as piggybacking on your neighbour’s WiFi, damage to an allotment and, worse still, posting flyers on a telephone pole. It’s gritty. It’s grim. It’s got dog poo everywhere’.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/alexas_fotos-686414/

BBC will outsource future drama projects to Acton am-dram group

In the wake of another attack by Prime Minister Boris Johnson (you're not dreaming, he still is), the BBC announced a move that will no longer see them paying top stars large salaries.

The corporation is to close its world-famous drama studio later this year, and instead all future programmes will be produced and staged by amateur dramatic society, St Michael’s Strolling Players from Acton.

The first programme slated under the new arrangement will an adaptation of the James Joyce classic, Ulysses, with bus driver Alan Chivers cast in the role of Leopold Bloom. The production is to be broadcast live from Acton Drill Hall to save on costly studio sets and recording facilities.

Daphne Miller, a doctor’s receptionist and the group’s creative director said: ‘Alan’s really not bad at all once he's had a few brandies to settle his nerves. His Sky Masterson, when we did Guys and Dolls last Summer, was two-starred by the The Acton Bugle's arts critic.

'Yes, he can be a little shaky remembering lines, but if we write them on bits of the set I'm sure it’ll be alright on the night.’

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Courtroom artist's rendition of defendant stunningly accurate

Readers of the Daily Express and the Daily Mail were able to recognise the picture of Danny "Fingers" O'Toole drawn by Sarah Robinson during cross-examination at the Old Bailey.

"Blimey, it's the dead spit of him," claimed Nosher Curtains of Bexley Heath.

Asked how she achieved such a fine likeness Sarah replied, "Well, I did study life drawing at the Slade. At first I thought that the sketches were meant to be unintelligble to protect the identity of those in the courtroom. But the Usher told me that was not the case. So I let my natural abilities have free rein."

Why, therefore are most sketches so bad? "Dunno, really. Maybe other artists want to get the reputation as the Francis Bacon of the court scene".

Image: UnSplash/Andrey Novik