KFI endorses camel’s p*ss

Fighting has broken out inside several zoos as young people strive to get their hands on a new energy drink. Camels have reportedly been traumatised by youths demanding to have their lifestyles re-hydrated with the elixir of life.

YouTube influencers, KFI and Logan Paul, have endorsed dromedary urine, which they say is the secret of their eternal youth. Although not yet scientifically proven, ‘Hump’ is said to boost IQ and make you less stupider.

The price of Hump has skyrocketed, with bottles offered on eBay for £10,000. Zoos are restricting sales to three bottles per customer. Hump comes in three flavours – Straw & Hay, Oaty McCamel Face, and Camel Toe Punch.

Image from Pixabay by taniadimas

https://pixabay.com/photos/camel-desert-hello-saudi-arabic-2667153/

Britain Wins Gold In Paralytic Games

Team Britain is doing well so far in this year's Alcoholympics, popularly known as the Paralytic Games, where competitors have to be completely shit-faced but are usually fully able-bodied otherwise. Events include not only indoor games like darts, dominoes, quoits, pool, snooker, billiards, shove-ha'penny and skittles, as well as less athletic games like crib, poker, phat (for those from the Welsh Marches) and tens (for refugees from South wales) but also more fiercely competitive outdoor games out in the car park.

These slightly more aggressive games include oiyouspilledmypint, ourfootyteamisbetterthanyourfootyteam, and perhaps the most combative car-park game of all, areyoulookinatmybird, with its accompanying comeonthenifyouthinkyourehardenough variant. Major sponsors include Fullers, Greene King and Wetherspoons.

However the Paralytic Games are only just recovering for a major scandal of a few years ago when, amid much controversy, the Swiss team was banned following a drugs test in which the whole team were found to be completely free of any mind-altering substances whatsoever, not even alcohol. 'This was an outrage' complained one unsteadily-swaying British competitor 'The sneaky bastards were trying to gain a completely unfair advantage over the rest of the world's decent, respectable piss-heads'.

Image: Pixabay/geralt