Team Britain is doing well so far in this year's Alcoholympics, popularly known as the Paralytic Games, where competitors have to be completely shit-faced but are usually fully able-bodied otherwise. Events include not only indoor games like darts, dominoes, quoits, pool, snooker, billiards, shove-ha'penny and skittles, as well as less athletic games like crib, poker, phat (for those from the Welsh Marches) and tens (for refugees from South wales) but also more fiercely competitive outdoor games out in the car park.
These slightly more aggressive games include oiyouspilledmypint, ourfootyteamisbetterthanyourfootyteam, and perhaps the most combative car-park game of all, areyoulookinatmybird, with its accompanying comeonthenifyouthinkyourehardenough variant. Major sponsors include Fullers, Greene King and Wetherspoons.
However the Paralytic Games are only just recovering for a major scandal of a few years ago when, amid much controversy, the Swiss team was banned following a drugs test in which the whole team were found to be completely free of any mind-altering substances whatsoever, not even alcohol. 'This was an outrage' complained one unsteadily-swaying British competitor 'The sneaky bastards were trying to gain a completely unfair advantage over the rest of the world's decent, respectable piss-heads'.