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All UK parks to have their own Elaine Page


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The PM has backed plans to have the musical 'Chess' played in every park. A graffiti resistant Elaine Page will belt out songs to the homeless, while her 1980's hair will ward off seagulls.


Swings will be replaced by a giant inflatable Barbara Dickson, for local children to play on. While dog walkers will be encouraged to pick up the $hit story written by Tim Rice.


Although Park Chess sounds like a rubbish Blur cover band, fans of the musical were excited: 'It's everything I love about the show plus, during the interval, I get to be stabbed by the roundabout.'


First published 3 Aug 2023


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UK to install recording devices in your arse

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After online censorship, onboard breathalysers, the next logical step is Rectal Freedom Plugs. RFPs will be inserted in every adult, under local anesthetic or three pints of larger. RFPs will be keep everyone on their toes, literally - it will be very uncomfortable to sit.


Sir Keir Starmer is the man with a vision and far too much lube. The RFPs will monitor all illicit behaviour - although many argue the vibration warning will act as an incentive not a deterrent.


They will come in a range of colours, but who would know. But you can upgrade to a cheeky fox tail antenna. Explained the Minister: 'Oh, it's not about tracking you, we just thought it would be funny.'


image from pixabay


UK Palestine recognition explained

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The United Kingdom is aiming to recognise a two state solution for Israel and Palestine unless Israel recognises a two state solution for Israel and Palestine, in which case the offer is off the table.


'Of course we'd love to support a two state solution, but if Israel want to do it we'll sit back and probably tut,' said a UK spokesperson today.  He added that if the US recognised a two state solution then the UK 'probably will, too, but not if Russia does, unless Russia and the US agree to both recognise a two state solution. In that case we might.  Or might not,' the spokesman said.


'Is that clear enough?' he asked.


image from pixabay


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