Government advises potential rail suicides to make alternative arrangements

People driven to despair by the cost-of-living crisis are being advised to find ways of topping themselves that don’t involve a high-speed locomotive.

With trains stuck in depots and platforms silent, Britain’s potential suicides could face a long and weary wait in sweltering temperatures before cashing in their chips in front of the 6.57 service from Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour, ministers have warned.

Meanwhile, gas ovens, high bridges, and faulty electrical work are all being touted by officials as more reliable means of leaving your worries behind and moving on to a higher plane of existence.

A spokesman from the Department for Transport, allegedly being run by someone using the name Grant Shapps, said, 'The British are innovative people. We have absolute trust in the mortally depressed to do the right thing after writing a considerate note to their nearest and dearest about why they couldn’t carry on.

'The traditional method seems to be pills, but my sources inform me the motorways are open as usual and, if anything, they’re actually busier than normal.

'How does rush hour Friday sound?'

'This isn’t a cry for help because I know I won’t get any,' insisted suicide contender, Frank Jeffers. 'I’m just hoping for a better world, one in which I’m reunited with the relatives I’ve lost to this government’s incompetence and where my gas bills are taken care of by a benign being of light.'

He added, 'Like Mick Lynch in a long flowing robe.'

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PM Considering Giving Every Household in the UK one billion pounds

In what is being seen as an increasingly desperate measure to hang on to his job, Number 10 insiders have revealed that the Prime Minister is considering giving every household in the UK a one-off payment of one billion pounds to help combat rising living costs.

The unnamed source said that: "Nothing is off the table in terms of how Machiavellian Boris will be if it means saving his own skin"

And whilst opposition parties and think tanks have questioned the plans, a YouGov poll of 50,000 people has shown that 99.9% of people would be happy for Boris Johnson to remain PM if such a scheme was rolled out.

A spokesman for Keir Starmer told our reporter that Labour would give people two billion pounds.

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