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'On the face of it, the UK should boycott the Eurovision Song Contest, if only because it isn't a song contest. It's an exercise in political voting, which is democracy in action,' said a UK spokesman today. Most of Europe, especially Australia, the most European country in the southern hemisphere, has decided to boycott the contest because Israel, the most European not European country even allowing for Australia is still allowed in.
However song experts, who don't routinely follow the Eurovision Song Contest for reasons too complex to record here, have pointed out that the UK has a unique role in the contest which is to come last. If the UK backs out of the contest then Israel stands to both win and be voted last, which isn't very British.
image from google gemini
The Island Nation, who wished to remain anonymous, talked candidly about their unbalanced relationship with a high profile country.
'You have to be really careful, they do demand compliments all the time, and you can’t say anything that would upset them. They need to be in charge constantly and consider themselves to be super powerful. They encouraged me to break contact with my local group, I do think there is an element of coercive control, but I still think they can change. They have massive mood swings, like every four years, it’s like they are completely different.
'I don’t like who they mix with, their friends are a bit scary and do awful stuff, but I can’t say anything, can I? They had an incident a few years back, I can't remember the exact date. Don’t tell them I said that, they go crazy if you forget it. You must never forget it. Anyway, they asked everyone for help and we jumped up and said no problem. Bunch of us did, I am sure they would do the same for any of us. Hopefully.
'They do treat me nice sometimes, like this year, they were being really mean to everyone and because I complimented how clever they are at business they were less mean to me. That really shows how special this relationship is. I always try to scrub up nice and make a big deal for visits, that definitely makes them happy. For a bit.
'Part of me inside knows that this is just wrong and wants out, but I can’t leave now, I have invested so much in this relationship that is not weird in any way. They have promised me a really nice mutual agreement, so I really need to stay for that. It’ll be so special.'
If you or any other countries were affected by this article, you can contact the United Nations Help Desk and listen to some soothing music.
Image credit: stablediffusion.com
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