UK to fix broken asylum system, once it stops breaking it

The Home Secretary was clear, the last 30 years of screwing around with immigration, was just the beginning. 'The only way to a mend a thing, is to destroy it. You can't make an omelette without breaking some human rights.

'If anything, we need to smash it some more, we haven't hit rock bottom yet. We propose to restrict asylum to leap years, only. Applicants will have to pass a basic criteria - they must have a second cousin called Rufus, be able to quote from Pliny the Elder, name all the members of the Justice League and can whistle the tune to the Dambusters - backwards.

'We've 4,000 people crammed into a processing centre designed for 1,600 - but that just proves how popular our system is. We just need a few more tweaks and we can have a functioning version of Battle Royale.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

image from pixabay

UK productivity skyrockets thanks to WhatsApp outage

.

UK finds the controls down the back of a sofa

The government have found the controls behind the back of a sofa in Downing Street. 'What a palaver - we've spent years trying to take back control and we had the buggers all the time. Brexit, Johnson, all the arguments and we didn't need to do all of that - could have stayed in the EU, left Boris in the fridge and helped to find Liz Truss a brain.

'Soz'.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/holgersfotografie-47038/