The number of babies being born in Scotland fell to a record low for the third consecutive year, new figures show.
The figures from the National Records of Scotland (NRS) show live births of 45,067 in 2025, the lowest number since records began in 1855. NRS spokesperson Gail Winds suggested that part of the reason could simply be due to the unattractiveness of Scotland and the Scottish people.
'Scotland is cold, wet and windy,' she said. 'And that's just the summer; winter is usually worse. Add to that the general lack of attractiveness amongst its population, so it's no wonder that the birth rate is down. I mean, most people here have a face that only a mother could love. New mothers are often seen pulling their babies' prams'
Further data released today by NRS also showed that for the 11th consecutive year, deaths continue to outnumber births. 'That proves,' continued Winds, 'that people are dying to leave Scotland.'
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With the attention-span of a gold fish on a wurlitzer and the outrage of a content creator in search of clicks, the UK has turned its attention again to Afghanistan – for all of one day. During this sacred period we will fake concern about a mess we contributed to and then completely forget about it, as there is football on the other channel.
Our moral compass has a 24‑hour battery life, and we refuse to charge it overnight. Said one outraged citizen, 'It's appalling the treatment of women, we must do something about- oh, what's that? Look, a video of a raccoon washing grapes. How cute! What was I talking about?'
With all the focus of a caffeinated moth trapped in a disco ball, one newsreader said, 'This is a serious issue - like a gym membership – and just as brief. It's so important that we keep a spotlight on the oppression. And in order to do so, let's watch a clip of a hamster driving a tiny car.'
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