"In times of war, this is the most effective weapon at Britain's disposal," said a Ministry of Defence spokes-ammunition dump.
'It can throw cold water on any conflict and overwhelm every aggressor out there with feelings of stultifying weariness and lethargy.
'Developed out of the dessicated remnants of a crashingly boring lawyer, we have codenamed our drone the Keir Starmer.
'It can drone for hours on end in the Commons without getting tired of itself, invoking this or that tedious rule for precisely when and why UK overseas military bases can or cannot be used by the US.
'We will now deploy the Keir on the world stage, to drone on at fellow politicians in the Middle East and in the UN Security Council.
'If all goes well, the Keir drone will have the same effect on Trump, Netanyahu and the Iranian leadership as it has had on the UK public over the past two years - filling them with an irresistible urge to yawn loudly, stop doing whatever they were doing and just sit on their sofas staring blankly at the wall.
'And we give these world leaders fair warning: in full drone mode, Sir Keir can be almost lethally dull.'
Meanwhile, human rights groups in the UK protested that for the past two years, the British government has been using the Keir drone on its own people.
Updated: Jun 5, 2025
Following a YouGov poll showing that the majority of over-50's supported the reintroduction of National Service, the government has made the decision to reintroduce the form of conscription last seen in 1960.
"As the Prime Minister said yesterday, defence has changed in the past few years," said Admiral Insurance, head of recruitment for the Ministry of Defence. "When we've looked at jobs in the modern armed services, age is actually an advantage rather than a detriment. The over 50's are the only demographic to have a great deal of at-sea experience thanks to their predilection for Cruise Holidays; all we have to do is ensure there's a shuffleboard deck and we'll have filled the Royal Navy and Auxiliary."
Passing over to his deputy, Commodore Amiga, the MoD went into further details, telling us, "We've essentially reversed EDI policies and are after White British Men; in particular those who drive White Vans for a living. We believe their ability to find gaps where none rightly exist and their suicidal tendencies on the motorway make them perfect drone pilots for kamikaze missions."
At Clacton's branch of Wetherspoons, reaction to the news was a mixture of shock and horror. "Well, I just wanted to see Nancy-boys crying as they got their pink hair shaved off and a Sergeant-Major yelled at them," said one patron now facing deployment under the new policy. "I thought this generation needed toughening up. The Army wouldn't want me, I fainted watching Full Metal Jacket."
image from pixabay