COP26 delegates shocked as Planet Earth says “I don’t need saving."

It’s been the overriding message of COP26 and all previous such gatherings that unless we all act quickly then our planet is doomed. “Not so.” says the Earth after taking to social media to refute any suggestion that it’s in any sort of danger at all.

It describes such talk as typical human hubris. “It’s true mankind might be in imminent danger of extinction, an event that can’t come soon enough as far as I’m concerned, but I shall be here for another few billion years yet. And nothing you smart arses do will change that.”

Asked about the threat of global warming, extreme weather, or nuclear winter, Earth’s response was a matter-of-fact, “Bring it on.” And concluded by saying, “I heard exactly the same thing from the bloody dinosaurs. Oooh no, the end of the world is nigh. I’ll admit that asteroid stung like hell for a few hundred years, but I’m still here, and they’re not.”

Image: Unsplash/The New York Public Library

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HS2 has 'no end in sight'? Surely some sort of platform would work?

The never-ending railway development, is set to last longer than re-runs of 'Friends'. Tracks continue to be laid for no other reason than they were there, a bit like Uni students at Fresher's Week.

An oversight by planners have seen the project overrun, literally, with tracks now covering three fifths of the Earth's surface. Confessed one contractor: 'We were supposed to terminate at Euston Station but instead we kept going. Currently we are somewhere near the Suez Canal and not one buffet cart in sight.

'At the other end, skipping Birmingham proved popular with our focus groups, but now we don't know where to stop. Wales is too wet and the Irish sea is...well, too wet.' Asked if she thought the project would be delayed further: 'The upside of a track that never ends, is there aren’t enough leaves to cover it’.