Trump resigns over Ed Davey snub

The President has cut short his second term, all because the Lib Dems were a bit mean. The US has been plunged into a constitutional crisis because the mighty Ed Davey has said he will not attend a dinner with Mr. Trump – although it is not clear if he was invited in the first place.

Said a Lib Dem aide: ‘Sir Ed had been careful to choose the right moment to fight back against Trump’s Gaza policy. He could have made a speech or voted in protest but oh no – that would have been too easy! Instead he carefully bided his time by dicking around a space hopper for six months and then refused to eat his pudding. Nelson Mandela would be proud.’

Trump is said to be shell-shocked as no one had said no to him - ever (other than half of the electorate). When the US Ambassador was asked if Ed Davey had shaken America to its core, he replied: ‘Who?’

Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay

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We'll make motorbikes right-hand drive again, Tories pledge

"For years, governments have kow-towed to the barmy directives of the European Court of Justice and accepted left-hand drive motorbikes on British roads," ranted Conservative transport spokesman, Terry Speedway.

"That's not only humiliating, it's downright dangerous for road users," Speedway continued.

"We demand that from now on, good British firms like Triumph and Norton make only right-hand drive models.

"And we'll also force filthy foreign imports like Vespas and Kawasakis to be right-hand drive, as well."

"The Tories are revving up the rhetoric on this because they're running scared of Reform," said Labour's Dirk Fuel-Cap in response.

"Well, we can run even scareder. That's why we'll be forcing all mopeds, e-scooters, push bikes and pedalos to be right-hand drive, as well."

Speaking from a Build-a-Bear workshop in Shepherd's Bush, where he was constructing an Evel Knievel koala, Sir Ed Davey said: "We in the Lib Dems won't be joining this race to the bottom.

"We want neither right-hand drive or left-hand drive motorbikes, but something in the middle."

image from pixabay

Only the Lib Dems can win here

Lib Dem campaigners have descended on the Vatican with their familiar orange placards. ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here,’ warn the activists, wiggling their placards in a mildly threatening, yet inclusive, way.

The statistics are convincing. Based on a re-analysis of general elections in the UK since WW2, alongside a re-imagining of local government and mayoral elections since 1966, and a highly defensible and academically rigorous translation of those results onto past papal elections, it is abundantly clear that only the Lib Dems can win.

A spokesman told us, ‘Only the Lib Dems can beat the right-wing traditionalist candidates to be Pope. And only the Lib Dems can beat the left-wing modernising namby-pamby candidates to be Pope. If elected, we will change the papal colours from purple to orange, as it’s more sustainable. Make sure you are in Saint Peter’s Square at 2pm today – Ed Davey is doing a truly hilarious stunt.’

When questioned, the spokesman seemed unclear who the Lib Dem candidate was, but did forcefully reiterate that ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here’.

Image: WixAI