Lib Dems spotted shaking soil from their trousers

Conservative MPs have made an observation that the Lib Dems have installed a vaulting horse in the House of Commons and have been seen walking around Westminster Palace shaking what looks like soil from their trousers. Meanwhile, it is noted that Sir Ed Davey was observed being summoned to the House of Commons library a few months ago regarding the long overdue return of several books related to the Trojan war, and the only remaining Betamax copy of The Great Escape in existence. The Lib Dem election committee is understood to be fixated on three potential candidates: Tom, Dick and Harry.

'Liz Truss was a Lib Dem, wasn't she?' asked one Conservative MP, realisation dawning on his face.

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Tiverton and Honiton the new Luhansk and Donetsk

Conservative paramilitaries are preparing a 'special military operation' in the Tiverton and Honiton area following the Devon constituency’s decision to install a 'fascist Lib Dem puppet government'. Media outlets loyal to the extremist Westminster regime have screamed for justice for true Conservatives living in the area.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers removed her night vision goggles and hissed, 'It's compulsory blue passports and Imperial stormtroopers, I mean Imperial measurements all round. Let's see how many of these ungrateful remoaners still vote Lib Dem after we've Clockwork Oranged them with months of Daily Express headlines. Besides, Ed Davey doesn't suit a tight green t-shirt like Zelensky does.'

With news of another massive Tory defeat, this time in Wakefield to Labour, Carruthers grimaced, ‘Go Wokefield, go brokefield. Am I doing it right?’

Thousand year Lib Dem reich ‘inevitable’

A huge Liberal Democrat swing in the Chesham and Amersham by election leaves Sir Ed Davey poised to usher in a thousand year Liberal Democrat Reich.

A party spokesman said ‘We’ll make that bitch Boris cry for his nanny, then approve a third Heathrow runway just to bury Starmer under. Brothers and sisters… Lib Dem 4 life!’

Rumours have swirled that the improvement stems from a ritualised execution of Nick Clegg, as ashes in the shape of a pentagram were seen being hurriedly swept away.

‘His fiery death was required by the great god Osiris to purge the tuition fees debacle.’

All current Liberal Democrat MPs could still fit in one minibus.

Centrist voter Naveed Nasir said ‘In 2010, I voted Lib Dem. I suppose it’s the hope that kills you, unless it’s the flames, or that minibus.’