Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will continue to serve popcorn just as he has served the country - with strength, integrity and a discount deal when you buy a drink.’
A Junior Minister spoke about the upcoming event on a recent breakfast show appearance, ‘It’s going to be a tough day for him. I think he wants to stay out of the limelight, but still give back to the party he has fought for all these years, more specifically the choices of sweet, salty and toffee in medium and large sized bags.’
Following this news, there are reports that Ed Miliband is planning a rival stand serving bacon sandwiches.
Image credit: ChatGPT
Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity.
'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches.
'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules.
'His reign hasn't been quite like the permanent winter imposed by the wicked ice witch; it's more like slate grey skies, persistent drizzle and perpetual pay cuts. But we're desperate for Aslan to come and lift the unrelenting dreariness.
No one in Labour is quite certain what shape their saviour 'Aslan' will actually take. He may arrive in the form of Andy Burnham, Angela Rayner or Wes Streeting. But the betting is that Aslan will come down from the north... or at least from north London.
At press time, a terrified Starmer had shut himself inside a wardrobe and was refusing to emerge until everyone promises to stop voting for his arch-enemies, poison toad Farage and his rotten army of Reform goblins.