Tories to bring back rationing

The Tories announced today that, if re-elected, they would bring back rationing.

”It’s not that the country’s particularly short of food, though we’re working on that too,” said an unnamed cabinet minister today. “We just feel there’s not enough hardship these days. People have become too complacent, assuming they can just help themselves to as much as they like from the supermarket, or rather food bank.”

The move is part of a grand strategy of returning to wartime conditions, which will include the reintroduction of national service, Radio 4 to go back to being called the Home Service with all announcers wearing dinner jackets, “and nothing but the Andrews Sisters and Glenn Miller to be played on… what’s that new music station called? Oh yes, Radio 3.

“We may even require people to spend the night in the nearest bomb shelter whenever a siren sounds. Of course, there won’t actually be bombs… unless of course we find the public aren’t doing as they’re told, in which case all bets are off.

“I know it sounds bizarre, but most Tory voters remember the war as a wonderful time in their lives. This is probably our last chance to get a vote out of most of them before we have to bite the bullet and modernise our policies. I might even have to drop my opposition to decimalisation.”

Hearing of the proposed changes, the BBC announced that from now on it would broadcast the Tory conference with a warning that it “may contain language which, although authentic to the period, modern viewers may find offensive”.

image from pixabay

Reform actually turns down potential candidate

For the first time in political history, Reform (formerly the Brexit Party, formerly UKIP, formerly a number of golf club bores and racist uncles you dreaded being sat next to at family gatherings) has actually turned down someone offering to stand as a candidate for them.

'It’s true, we want to field a candidate in every constituency,' said party leader Richard Tice. “How else can we take enough votes away from the Tories to let Labour in? Hang on, that can’t be right…

'And that sometimes means we can’t vet people as thoroughly as we’d like.  But in this case, I think we have to say thanks for your interest, but no.'

For his part, Arthur Goebbels says he doesn’t know what all the fuss is about as his views are simply those of the silent majority in this country, though it’s not clear when they were ever silent.

In his application, he lists his hobbies as raising and lowering the Union Jack in his front garden at sunrise and sunset, accompanied by a cassette playing what he calls 'stirring music', walking out of shops when he sees 'one of them' behind the counter, and running his local neighbourhood watch committee.

He also says he remembers with horror the day he got the names mixed up and accidentally joined the Respect party, saying he still hasn’t got the smell of their food out of his blazer.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump cleared to stand for Labour

Trump is to stand in North Islington, on a platform of corruption and bottom pinching. Many would think being a convicted felon would be a negative, but as one member of Labour's NEC said: 'He's a right-wing demagogue, with a criminal record as long as your arm, what's not to like?'

Labour's purge of left-wing MPs has opened up an opportunity for candidates more attune to party policy, such as the corpses of Margaret Thatcher and Jeffrey Epstein. Trump spoke of his excitement of turning Islington into a golf course, stripper bar combo.

Trump's lack of ethics has caused alarm in the Shadow Cabinet, due to plagiarism.

Asked if they felt Trump would change the party: 'He may struggle to match us for nepotism, but we are all on board with his idea to add 10ft to Hadrian's Wall. He even comes with a red tie.'

Picture credit: Wix AI