Trump cleared to stand for Labour

Trump is to stand in North Islington, on a platform of corruption and bottom pinching. Many would think being a convicted felon would be a negative, but as one member of Labour's NEC said: 'He's a right-wing demagogue, with a criminal record as long as your arm, what's not to like?'

Labour's purge of left-wing MPs has opened up an opportunity for candidates more attune to party policy, such as the corpses of Margaret Thatcher and Jeffrey Epstein. Trump spoke of his excitement of turning Islington into a golf course, stripper bar combo.

Trump's lack of ethics has caused alarm in the Shadow Cabinet, due to plagiarism.

Asked if they felt Trump would change the party: 'He may struggle to match us for nepotism, but we are all on board with his idea to add 10ft to Hadrian's Wall. He even comes with a red tie.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Reviewing Ed Davey's schedule for the next few days

Friday, May 31

Visit to skate park. Make sure he's wearing a helmet and knee and elbow protectors.

Monday, June 3

Visit to climbing wall centre. Make sure he only goes on the kiddies' section

Tuesday, June 4

Visit to go-kart centre. Make sure he only goes on the child circuit. No racing with anyone. It may cause him to crash.

Wednesday, June 5

Bouncey Castle World. We should be OK with this one, but make him wear a helmet anyway.

Thursday, June 6

Waterslide. Have a frogman on standby. He is bound to fall in.

Friday, June 7

Tandem Skydiving. TANDEM SKYDIVING!!.  Are you sh*tting me. How did that get in there? Cancel immediately.

Image by manseok Kim from Pixabay

Starmlin purges party of “counter-revolutionary elements”

In a surprise move, Sir Keir Starmlin has moved swiftly to purge the party of what he called 'reactionary and counter-revolutionary elements'.

In a Pravda editorial thought to be by Starmlin himself, former party members Diane Abbottovic and Faiza Shaheeniev were accused of conspiring with the exiled traitor Corbsky and attempting to bring about counter-revolution. And also liking a tweet ten years ago.

The traitors were dragged from their beds in the middle of the night and arrested. It’s thought they will offer no defence of their actions, as a result of the recent ruling that accusing the NEC of making a mistake is itself a treasonous act. Party workers will now begin the work of airbrushing them out of any photos showing them next to the Dear Leader.

When the arrests were announced at a party meeting, they were met with applause lasting several hours, as people feared that whoever stopped clapping first would probably join them in the gulag.

Image credit: Wix AI