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Tories will reintroduce Rotten Boroughs to win election



Senior Conservative strategists - if there are any left who haven’t thrown themselves from a 12th floor window directly on to a pile of dynamite - have recommended the reintroduction of rotten boroughs. These were common in the 18th and early 19th centuries as way for the wealthy to peddle undue influence, something now considered an essential part of the Tory vibe.


One MP, who wished to remain Mogg-nonymous said 'Everything was better then. Britain was winning the Battles of Trafalgar and Waterloo, defeating the EU on both occasions. There was no NHS to fund. Poor children could be whacked with a stick, then sent up a chimney. Statues of slave traders? Yes please!'


'It's fine, we’ll buy the votes. Sunak’s loaded. There’s no money for disabilities, but there is just enough for a tax cut – phew! We’ll have to hope no-one’s noticed we’ve run everything into the ground.'




Tory plan to help with winter fuel costs by bottling continental hot air


In a last ditch ploy to salvage Thursday’s by-elections, Rishi Sunak has promised to send a convoy of milk floats loaded with empty bottles to Italy, so they can return filled with warm air.


Under the plan, these will be handed out to everyone who can prove they voted Tory. Voters who wish to take advantage of the scheme will merely have to take a photograph of their completed ballot paper to show to the Tory campaign team member tasked with distributing the bottles of warm air.


The National Union of Milkmen is urging its members not to participate, however milkman Dave Simmonds said 'It’s the only chance of a trip abroad I’m likely to get this year, so I won’t be doing what the union wants.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/garten-gg-201217/

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