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Tories will reintroduce Rotten Boroughs to win election

Senior Conservative strategists - if there are any left who haven’t thrown themselves from a 12th floor window directly on to a pile of dynamite - have recommended the reintroduction of rotten boroughs. These were common in the 18th and early 19th centuries as way for the wealthy to peddle undue influence, something now considered an essential part of the Tory vibe.

One MP, who wished to remain Mogg-nonymous said 'Everything was better then. Britain was winning the Battles of Trafalgar and Waterloo, defeating the EU on both occasions. There was no NHS to fund. Poor children could be whacked with a stick, then sent up a chimney. Statues of slave traders? Yes please!'

'It's fine, we’ll buy the votes. Sunak’s loaded. There’s no money for disabilities, but there is just enough for a tax cut – phew! We’ll have to hope no-one’s noticed we’ve run everything into the ground.'

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