Electricians reject Burnham's 'circuit breaker' idea

Electricians have poured cold water - never a good idea when electricity is involved - on the new Prime Minister's call for a 'circuit breaker' for the entire country. 'It's just not practical,' said Des from Bromley, while putting in a new light above his neighbour's bathroom sink and asking to be paid in cash. 'I can barely keep up with calls as it is. Who's going to install this 'circuit breaker'? How big will it be? Where's it going to be put?'

Those questions remain unanswered, though there is much speculation that the Angel of the North will become the Circuit Breaker of the North. Many say she already looks like a giant electricity pylon with her arms outstretched.

The Prime Minister made the circuit breaker pledge while addressing supporters in Downing Street, a statement reading 'I know people at home are fed up with their smart TVs saying 'power off in three minutes. Press OK to continue watching'. No one understands this. I hear you and I want to be honest with you – the fuses we have been using are not good enough, and we need to be better. Whether three-pin or those awkward two-pin ones for your toothbrush, our plugs deserve to be better, and they will be. This is the moment we pledged a giant circuit breaker that will look after every home and workplace in the country, bringing forward the biggest changes in the last 40 years – a new political model and a new economic model.'

To provide 'breathing space' to alleviate the cost-of-living crisis, the Prime Minister has also promised a free Bunsen Burner for every council home in the country. The move has led to speculation that Burnham is modelling his ideas on state schools of the Seventies and Eighties. This view is backed up by Burnham's announcement that members of his Cabinet are to be called prefects. Each Cabinet minister will also have their own locker.

Image: Marc Zeman (@der_zeman) | Unsplash Photo Community

‘Remove gas and electricity supplies from energy bills’ say Tories

Tory leader Kemi Badenoch says the best way to bring down rising energy prices for struggling households and businesses will be to stop providing them with gas and electricity.

Party insiders said scrapping the supply of energy to homes would soon bring down household bills and help customers struggling with the cost of living.

Ms Badenoch said standing charges would remain the same and shareholders would need to be compensated for loss of income but the savings on energy consumption would cover any dividend losses incurred by struggling bond holders.

‘Using gas and electricity to heat your homes or power your business is clearly adding to the everyday cost of living.

Imagine a world without those rising energy bills and imagine a world where I was Prime Minister making difficult decisions on your behalf’.

However, under the latest Tory policy not all households would be affected by having their energy supplies cut off.

Households with an annual income of £100k would be exempt from cuts as they can clearly absorb the rise in energy prices and would not be affected in any way.

Drilling for oil and gas in the North Sea would be maximised as this would also bring down the cost of energy costs here in the UK to virtually zero. Just like it has ever since the first barrel of oil was brought ashore back in 1975.

image by Grok

Wind farm owners told to try harder

The vast offshore Seagreen wind farm wasted 77% of the energy produced last year, because the electricity grid can't cope.

'This is a familiar story of good intentions undermined by incompetence, poor planning and poor execution,' said a government spokesbody. 'We have spoken to all those currently involved - put the wind up them, if you like - and made it clear that 77% is not good enough. We are fed up of going round and round in circles on this.

'If the operator cannot improve on 77%, then we will act swiftly to set up a commission with wide ranging powers to look at options and report back. I can confirm that there will be subcommittees and that difficult decisions will be taken. That'll learn 'em.

'In the meantime, we've set the operator an interim target to get to 85% this year, and to reach 95% wastage by 2030.

'That'll take the wind out of their sails' said one blowhard.

Image: Jesse De Meulenaere (@jessefotograaf) | Unsplash Photo Community