As the world panics over "out of control" AI Trump rides to the rescue

As fears over AI running out of control and killing us all grow by the minute, a true hero has come forward to save the human race.

Speaking to reporters from inside his gold and jewel encrusted lair, Donald Trump said. 'All this stuff about AI going to kill us is fake news. People are overreacting. But in the unlikely event there is any truth in this woke garbage, just relax, word. Because I'm a smart president. Everyone says so. The smartest.  And I aced three kindergarten tests to prove it.

'No one knows more about AI or global crises than I do. Let's face it, I'm responsible for all the current ones. So if these robots do try any funny business we'll get our brave ICE agents to pour bleach over them. They won't like that and it'll knock them out in seconds. RFK and Pete Hegseth agree.

'So that's that. Carry on as normal. Now I gotta go and cheat at golf. Thank you for your attention to this matter.'

photo: NewsBiscuit Archive

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Conservative MPs to get special protected status

With the Conservative party looking at an extinction level event in early July, scientists have drawn up plans to save the species from disappearing entirely, although nobody can explain why.

'We are looking at their natural habitat and feeding methods for starters,' said one scientist. 'They appear to be naturally predatory, especially on social media, and hunt in packs,' he added. 'The plan is to round up stray Tories on the 5th July and place them in special enclosures,' he said, noting that Wormwood Scrubs and Strangeways were two such enclosures.

'Other gaols are available,' he added.

Image: Newsbiscuit