Spurs’ revolving door “could be unlimited source of clean energy”

As Tottenham Hotspur sacks another manager after six weeks, scientists have speculated that the revolving door through which spent managers are ejected, and new useful idiots lured into the job, could provide an unlimited source of clean energy.

“All electricity generation, from coal to nuclear, is based on getting a magnet to rotate within a coil,” explained a boffin today. “And it just occurred to me that this constantly revolving door at Three Points… sorry, White Hart Lane is a resource we just aren’t using.

”After all, it’s sustainable - there seems to be no shortage of idiots who’ll take the job, no matter how disastrous it was for everyone before them. Long term, I suppose it’s possible Spurs might start to do well and keep their manager for more than a couple of months - but it clearly won’t be in the near future.”

Meanwhile, former Spurs manager Juande Ramos was baffled to receive a letter from his old club including an electricity bill for £10,000.

When he protested it was nothing to do with him, they said “Sorry mate - you were the last person in the trophy room in 2008, and you left the lights on.”

image from Grok

More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless

The economic outlook is bleaker than ever, there’s no fresh food available in the shops, and even if there were you couldn’t afford to buy any. Save a few pounds with these handy hints:

1. Next time your cat brings home a dead rodent, don’t get annoyed - think of it as free meat. It probably tastes like chicken, so chuck it in a casserole. It’s about time puss started to earn his keep - cat food is expensive. You might con the kids into eating unbranded cereal by decanting it into an old Kellogg’s box, but you’ll never persuade Tiddles to eat cheap food. If you buy Lidl Kitty Feast you’ll only end up feeding it to the family disguised as fish pie - again.

2. Sneak into your neighbour’s garden, and run a hosepipe from his outdoor tap into your bathroom. It won’t be much fun having a cold bath, but at least it’s free.

3. Don’t use the vacuum cleaner – inhale deeply, and suck the fluff off the carpet yourself. This will save electricity, and you’ll be so full of dust and pet hairs that you’ll be able to skip lunch.

4. If all your bills are online, switch back to receiving paper bills through the post. You can’t afford to pay them, but you can burn the bills and the envelopes to keep warm, or eat them to stave off hunger.

5. You can no longer afford to take the kids to the hairdresser, so cut their hair yourself using a pudding bowl and the kitchen scissors. They’ll probably end up looking a bit ‘special needsy’, but that might lead to them qualifying for free school meals, so it will be worth them getting bullied a bit.

6. Don’t throw the kids’ hair clippings away - make a couple of draught excluders by cutting the legs off a pair of old tights and stuffing them with the kids’ hair and clumps of your own, which thanks to malnutrition is falling out in handfuls. Wear the rest of the trousers as a hat, to keep your balding head warm.

7. If the kids can’t get free school meals, fill an empty toothpaste tube with glue, and tell them to brush their teeth. Once they’ve glued their mouths shut they won’t be able to eat, so you’ll save loads on your grocery shop. When they start to faint with hunger, feed them soup through a nasal tube.

Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered, or criminal charges brought against any readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stevepb-282134/

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 28 Feb 2023

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Corbyn’s new party could provide 'limitless source of cheap energy'

Scientists today announced they’ve discovered a way to turn the factional infighting of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s Your Party into a limitless source of cheap energy.

'The trouble with existing hydrogen-based fission reactors is that you have to put the material under extreme heat and pressure to make it split into its component parts,' explained Dr Bunsen Honeydew. 'So most of the energy you get out, you have to put straight back in to keep the reaction going.

'But this new material, yourpartium, is incredible - you just need a tiny amount and it gets overheated and starts splitting all by itself. In fact, some experiments suggest you just need a single atom of corbynium and one of sultanium, and fission occurs almost immediately.'

Newspaper columnists and cartoonists confirmed they also find the party a limitless source of cheap gags, often referencing the People’s Front of Judea from Monty Python’s 'Life of Brian'.

'However, it does have the same problem fission always does,' Dr Honeydew continued, 'in that it produces a rather toxic waste product - in this case, bitterness. 

'Clearly, we need to find a way of disposing of it safely. One suggestion is to combine it with the former Prince Andrew’s bitterness at losing his titles and status, and dump the whole lot out at sea.'

Image credit: NB archives