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Many households now depend on free newspapers to stay warm


Circulation figures for free newspapers have increased during 2021. However, this isn't the success story it first appears, because the extra copies are not being read by new subscribers. They are being picked up in bulk for use as fuel, for cooking and for warmth. This is because of the dramatic surge in energy prices.


Angelica and Anastasia (not their real names) agreed to talk to us about their use of free newspapers. Angelica says that the bus station and library are good sources of free papers, with copies of Mature Times, the Metro, property listings and right-on sustainable Eco papers all available. Strong bags are essential to carry the papers and its best to get there early before the commuters. It's good to take a note of publication days for weekly and monthly papers, so that you can get in first. Anastasia estimates that burning free newspapers saves her up to £5 a day in energy costs. She accepts that it isn't very eco-friendly, but shrugs and says 'I'm poor. What else can I do? I used to burn car tyres, but that was very smelly.'


Angelica's husband, Dwaynissimo (not his real name), is less keen on burning the papers and prefers to stuff them down his trousers, for insulation. He says that the Christmas double issue of the Shanklin Argos and Bugle will keep him warm until Easter.





First published 8 Jan 2022


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Starmer scours the shops for that must have Xmas present


There is always one thing at Christmas that turns out to be the ‘must have’ present and is nowhere to be found.


Remember searching for that Tracy Island toy, or Pokémon, or Cabbage Patch dolls?


Everyone is afflicted, even the Prime Minister.  Keir Starmer’s top team are scouring all the shopping centres inside the M25 on his behalf.  And Keir himself has taken a long lunch break to search the shops on Oxford Street in London.  All to no avail.


Keir is desperately searching for the perfect Christmas gift for the UK electorate.  It is called ‘good news’, but this has been in very short supply since June 2024.  Keir has come close to finding some good news, but at the last minute it is always snatched from his grasp.  He’s even tried sourcing good news from overseas, but without success.


The ending of the two-child cap seems like good news, but if you don’t also raise the benefits cap, then it’s not as good as it looks.  Supporting our pubs seems like good news, but successive hikes in minimum wage and whacking up business rates have ruined that one.  Inflation coming down seems like good news, but if the price of food keeps going up, then that’s not so good.  Reducing electricity bills by £150 also seems like good news, but if you then load on all the costs of upgrading the national grid, then the good work is undone.


So, the search continues.  Good luck, Keir.  Only seven more shopping days to Christmas...


image from pixabay

Summerween and air conditioning properly a thing now


One consequence of climate change is that Summerween, the celebration of Halloween when it's actually warm, and considering getting air conditioning is properly a thing now. The average British consumer started thinking about air conditioning just after heatwave two, and also finds their purse stretched by pink skulls and piles of pastel pumpkins. It all feels like a dream where Count Dracula in Bermuda shorts is offering you blood orange flavour ice cream, and you’re very hot so you lick it, and then he says got you.


You look around your house, and you have a big white box throwing out cold and eating up your money even though you don't want to be part of the energy use problem. But you also want to sleep and to stop peeling bits of yourself off a leather sofa like in 1976 when the seats of an Austin Princess wanted to hang on to the backs of your legs, and you wanted to escape into the cool air of a Bejam's chest freezer.


In later stages of the dream a lilac coloured ghost is asking you to explain what a BTU is, while a cloud of lemon yellow bats fly round your room and Frankenstein’s creation wearing sandals and Speedos is in your kitchen eating biscuits from a light green jar shaped like his own head and muttering about late-stage capitalism.


It’s not doom and gloom for all sectors of British society however, pastel Goths are delighted with the unseasonal access to spooky stuff in mainstream shops. They are not trying to remember that a BTU (British Thermal Unit, the best thermal units in the world) is the amount of energy needed to heat one pound of water by one degree Fahrenheit. They are looking at which duvet cover and cushions covered in skulls/pumpkins/ghosts/bats best create their vibe.



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