English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays.

'We had one last week, lovely picturesque English village, honeysuckle round the vicarage door, cobbled streets, church bells – some nobody murdered his wife – also of no social status – after too much to drink. Would it have been too much trouble to kill a professor instead? Or to have left anagram clues? I despair'.

The only things keeping English tourism alive are the Royal Family and quaint murders. The ETB is rumoured to be hacked off with the Royal Family also, but they don't voice their concerns in case it scuppers the odd gong down the line.

'England is known for its carefully crafted murders', a spokesman told us. 'Curare, vicars, maybe a vintage car or two. Americans love it. We've asked for GCSE Poisoning to be reintroduced to the curriculum. Can't think why they ever cancelled it'.

Netflix have joined the ETB's campaign, highlighting the boost to the economy from telegenic murders. 'We bring around ten million of your quaint English pounds into the country when we film a mini-series', a mogul said. 'So a retired sea captain and a coupla spinsters hit the deck a little early. So what? We all have to go'.

Image: George Ciobra (@george_ciobra) | Unsplash Photo Community

England Fans Pay for JD Vance to Visit Croatia, Panama and Ghana

Hungary is still celebrating a huge election win for Peter Magyar, despite support for incumbent Viktor Orban from the United States, vice-president. JD Vance has once-again demonstrated his unique reverse Midas Touch.

Reeling from failing to bring peace between Iran and the US, a fiasco that only sits mid-table in his myriad of omnishambles, Vance is already looking to put the collective embarrassments of the loss in Hungary, failure in Pakistan, destroying the NCAA trophy, and killing Pope Francis behind him with his summer vacation. Last year, this took place in the UK. However, the English Football Association say they have received enough funding from fans and interested parties to offer the vice-president an all-expenses trip to Croatia, Panama, and Ghana on the condition the visits take place before the 17th of June this year.

'It's very simple,' said FA Spokesperson Penny T Kicks, 'everything Vance touches turns to mould. Therefore, we're happy for him and his family to visit each of our opponents, shake some hands, have a kick about, maybe tear a few cruciate ligaments, and ease our path into the knockout stages. After that, we just hope we get enough games in the United States where our opponents won't be able to travel into the country for fears of deportment by ICE, and not only will England lift the World Cup again, but we'll also no longer have to hear Skinner and Baddiel singing about sixty years of hurt.'

An offer by Scotland to also have Vance visit Haiti, Morocco, and Brazil was pulled from the table and instead given to Donald Trump, as Scottish Manager Steve Clarke said he needed help from Jesus Christ himself in order to get out the group phases.

Image: WixAI

BBC appoints UK's biggest masochist to be new DG

'We realise that Google executive Matt Brittin has zero experience in the broadcasting sector,' said a spokesman for the BBC Board of Governors, while placing burning matches between the new Director-General's toes, 'but Matt proved that he's a voracious glutton for punishment and that's exactly what the job entails.

'He impressed us right off the bat at the interview when he entered the room with a bed of nails and lay down on it before demonstrating his ability to walk over broken glass with a bright smile on his face.

'This showed that Mr Brittin might just about be capable of handling hours-long appearances before parliamentary select committees, answering questions about broadcasting from MPs who are too dim to be able to tune their car radios.

'And also to take personal responsibility for thousands of hours of radio and TV content which he could not possibly have had any control over.

'We were also impressed by the runner-up candidate, who simultaneously garotted himself at the interview while swallowing strychnine. We had no hesitation in recommending him to the Football Association to be the next England manager.'

Image credit: perchance.org