Starmer: 'Stop the boats... full of Tory defectors'

Keir Starmer – the answer to the question who would finish third in a Keir Starmer lookalike competition, behind a Keir Starmer cardboard cutout and a Henry Hoover with print out of Keir Starmer’s face stuck on – has been forced to clamp down on the sheer number of Tory defectors to Labour.

One Labour MP said 'Most Tory MPs are sociopathically addicted to power and so have no problem changing parties in their lust for control. These Tory immigrants are arriving in small boats, sailing across the floor of the House of Commons. We could deport them to Rwanda for processing, but apparently, "that’s illegal". Boooooooring.'

'The Tories say we should leave the ECHR, but that's because the H stands for Human and so it doesn't apply to them.'

Photo by Dimitry Ljasuk on Unsplash

Nike statement 'Sorry to all the English snowflakes we "offended" '

'What's the matter, can't you take a joke, you English snowflakes? Or is it because English snowflakes usually come with a red St George's Cross tattoo-ed on them. We wouldn't want you looking stupid.'

'Also, you will lose your minds when you realise England's away kit isn't as white as you wish everyone in the country was.'

'Legally speaking, the red of the St George's cross should be dragon's blood, but as St George was a Turkish man (probably an immigrant) and dragons don't exist, this is tricky to pull off in a modern supply chain.'

'Who knows, maybe the England men's team will win a trophy in the age of colour television and this will matter.'

'After all, the Tories and Reform would never produce blue or purple versions of that flag. At least this will identify any full kit wanker MPs.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Berwick-on-Tweed plagued by booze cruises

There is more trouble ahead for Berwick-on-Tweed as the Scottish government has again raised the minimum price of alcohol.

As prices in Scotland rise, there are more and more trips across the border to England to pick up booze on the cheap. While the minimum price for a bottle of wine in Scotland is now £6.09, you can pick up a bottle of Three Peasants Artisanal British Wine for a modest £1.99 – and get a free pack of aspirin thrown in for free.

Shop rents in Berwick are rising as more and more off licences are opening – the town now has an offie for every 42 residents. One of the outlets is a drive through – you can order by phone and pick up your plonk in less than 30 minutes. Local people also complain that local favourites like Newkie Brown are being crowded out by shelf after shelf of Buckfast Fortified Wine and 90 Shilling Bitter.

Every Friday evening there is a long line of vans, coaches and pick up trucks on the A1, heading south into Berwick to pick up supplies for the weekend. And on Saturday and Sunday mornings the local A&E is full of Scots who couldn’t wait to get home before getting stuck in.

The local council is planning to ask Westminster for powers to levy its own alcohol tax. A spokesman said 'We don’t want to stop the Scots from coming south. We just want to persuade them to drive to Newcastle for their cheap drink instead.'

The chief executive of Three Peasants has asked us to clarify that 'artisanal' is one word and not two. The fact that his first name is Arti is, he says, just a coincidence.

Image: Stefan - Photography (pexels.com)