Dirty diesel drivers aim to sabotage London ULEZ

If the ULEZ doesn’t improve air quality, then it will fail and be scrapped. In order to ensure that air quality doesn’t improve, a well financed group of dodgy drivers is procuring the highest emitting cars, usually dirty diesels from the emissions scandal era (Volkswagens), and driving them through London all day long.

A spokesman said ‘This is a well organised and legal protest. We pay the congestion charge and the ULEZ charge for each car. Then our recruits drive the cars round and round central London in circles spewing out noxious nasties to bugger up the air quality. We like to target Sadiq Khan’s office and we also like to drive back and forth past the emissions monitoring stations.’

‘We just hate clean air. It does cost us quite a lot, but we are footing the bill ourselves because you can’t put a price on democracy... unless you’re a Tory.’

Image: Brandon Green (@brandgreen) | Unsplash Photo Community

Thérèse Coffey ponders the sewage problem

Government to sh!t in everyone’s mouths.

In an apparent U turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will shit in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ the Prime Minister told a press conference. But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time’.

It's understood the Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. It’s understood that if approved by parliament the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies starting with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey the Secretary of State for the Environment will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order for the shitting.

Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’ However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voter’s mouth he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.

Image: Vanessafrazao - Pixabay

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