Illegal US immigrants to be given $1 billion and a palace

Legal migration to the US has tanked on the news that illegal migration is far more lucrative.

A Brazilian man has found that if all known legal reasons for entering the US are flaunted, America will give you more cash than can be leaf blown and a substantial estate.

'I have been granted access to the National Parks of California to indulge my dream of burning vast areas of protected forests,' he confirmed. 'In addition, I've been afforded the personal security protection of 20,000 ICE agents.

'I merely mentioned that I would also like a little privacy, and they threw in a getaway all to myself on Epstein Island.

'America is the most welcoming and generous nation on Earth. It is truly the land of the free rapists. Everyone should come here illegally.'

Image: WixAI

New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'

The US president issued an executive order today saying that everyone should call him Honest Donald or get sued.

'They called Abraham Lincoln Honest Abe,' dribbled Trump at the signing ceremony, 'but people are saying that all he did was lie - lie down after being assassinated that is. What a loser.'

'Lincoln said he abolished slavery, but slavery's still happening like you wouldn't believe.

'I treat all my cabinet secretaries and my NATO allies like they're my slaves.

'And I saw a whole load of slaves on Epstein's sleazy, vice-ridden island. Sexy, underage slaves, who I definitely did not rape, because Honest Donald has never, ever visited.'

Image: WixAI

Epstein Island sold to Bond villain

The estate agent handling the sale said: 'It's quite a niche market, most buyers don't need that many dungeons. It would certainly work as an evil lair, as you could easily convert the 'pleasure pit' into a shark tank.

'We did have some interest from a Royal buyer, but he was £12m short. Bill Clinton and Bill Gates both made inquiries, but that was to make sure they had left no fingerprints.

'It's got fascinating history and an even more interesting FBI file. But we do advise the new owner not to use uv lighting in 90% of the rooms'.

Image: Pixabay/Tama66

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 24 Mar 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos9

Lego to Replace Bitcoins