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The thought experiment derived by Erwin Schrödinger in which a hypothetical cat is both alive and dead at the same time has been superseded. It has been replaced by a list of clients for a sex trafficking ring compiled by Jeffrey Epstein which simultaneously exists on a desk, doesn’t exist at all, and was written by Barack Obama and his associates.


Epstein’s List completely clears up how to interpret the murky world in which Epstein lived, even though that world did or didn’t exist. It also does or doesn’t clean up all those who circulated in quantum superpositions. Some of those on the list may or may not remain in superposition despite many forces acting for or against them. Many people believe that, if it exists, Epstein’s List will make America great again, even if had never been great before. Epstein’s List is therefore also known as the MAGA Paradox.


Schrödinger's cat was both alive and dead while enclosed in a box with a flask of poison, a radioactive substance and a Geiger counter. Epstein was awaiting trial in a closed cell where video surveillance confirmed he was both alive and dead, although possibly not at the same time. The transition between the two states was mysteriously not recorded or was successfully recorded and either does or doesn’t exist any more. There is firm suspicion and yet absolutely no suggestion whatsoever that flasks of poison, radioactive substances or any other means of manipulating a change of state was ever present in that cell.


The fundamental question of Epstein’s List is the same as that of Schrödinger's cat. That is, how long do superpositions last and when will they collapse? For many, that collapse cannot come soon enough.



After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever visited the island. The supposed list of 'clients' who had visited the island was sunk on board the Portsmouth ferry and all tickets to Blackgang Chime were destroyed.


Furthermore the island no longer appears on any maps and has been replaced by the phrase 'here be dinosaurs'. The FBI confirmed 'IOW is not a sex island - not unless you count caravan parks. Nothing illegal ever happened here, in fact, since 1972, nothing ever happened here.'



It has been revealed that the Epstein client list never existed. Jimmy Saville was a harmless DJ. And Prince Andrew just likes paying random ladies £12m. This does mean Ghislaine Maxwell has spent more time in jail for a crime she didn't commit than the A-Team.


Her defence lawyer explained: 'If no clients existed, then all Miss Maxwell is guilty of is giving a bunch of teenage girls a lovely holiday on an empty island. It's like a jolly Duke of Edinburgh award - without the other Duke.'


The public are gutted that all their conspiracy theories have disappeared - along with all the witnesses. Said one CIA operative: 'You think you were duped? Imagine how silly we feel after killing Jeffrey Epstein!'



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