Eton to offer ‘Muggle Studies’ courses

Following an inspection by the Ministry of Magic, Eton College is to offer intensive training in Muggle Studies to prepare the next generation of Prime Ministers.

'Leadership in the twenty first century requires a degree of empathy with ordinary people' a spokesman told us. 'Who knew? It came as a massive surprise. We’ve been following the eighteenth century syllabus, which possibly explains why we keep sending gunboats to "deal with" refugees.'

'Pupils will learn about something called a "gas bill" and an "overdraft".'

'Oh, that one has caused some scratching of heads,' chuckled the spokesman. 'It’s a pretty advanced mathematical concept when you drill into it. You spend money you don’t have, but then instead of just getting more to plug the gap you increase the amount which you don’t have, until you reach a theoretical point where strangers are allowed to walk in and steal your possessions. Fascinating stuff.'

Rupert Fortescue-Smythe is prepping for his Grade 3 Northerner exam. 'I’m ok with the set texts and the technical studies – I can swear, walk like a Mancunian and quote passages from The Royle Family – but it’s the sight-reading I struggle with. Phrases like "eckerslike" or "youvegorrabekiddin" just don’t trip off the tongue. I’ve been practising with the staff. I really want to excel in this, so I can buy my own Northern town one day and really blend in.'

Wealthy families have been buying up chalets (terraced houses) in Liverpool so their offspring can cram for their Grade exams. They’re cheaper than a decent cello, though they don’t hold their value as well.

'I had to get on a bus yesterday,' said Fortescue-Smythe. 'It’s a magical conveyance. Buses can only go on their approved routes – you can’t just tell the driver to nip to Fortnum’s or whatever – and they smell funny because they have old people in them. A total stranger called me "love", it was amazing.'

The first empathic Prime Ministers will roll off the production line in 2024, just in time for the General Election.

Jack Monroe to get BBC cooking series

Jack Monroe, the heroic food poverty campaigner has beaten celebrity chefs in winning the contract to replace the popular series Can't Cook, Won't Cook after the other hopefuls pulled out once they were told the meal budget would be limited to 30p.

The new show, entitled “Illegitimi non carborundum”, will show viewers with limited budgets how to dine as well as the inmates of Wandsworth prison are able to. Jack will in fact, be accompanied by ex-Wandsworth prison inmate, 'Double Barrel' Bruno who will not only act as a judge of the quality of the meals, but demonstrate useful tips on how the budget can be extended by beating the shit out of Eton students until they hand over their dinner money.

Politicians have been invited to appear on the programme, but so far only Labour, the Lib Dems and SNP have responded to the invitations. Ian Blackford is seen to be particularly keen to complement 'Double Barrel' Bruno’s advice with oratory to accompany why the extortion of pocket money from Eton students, is a kindness they won’t regret.

BBC logo on a building during daytime photo – Free Northern ireland Image on Unsplash

I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue.

Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.

'I think it's a public school thing, to be honest.

'We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.

'I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James's after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.

'I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.'

Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies' toilets.