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Government to replace red tape with red, white and blue tape



Six years after the United Kingdom voted for Brexit, the government has admitted that Brexit hadn't delivered anything. 'We've realised that a policy of replacing EU red tape with UK red tape wasn't working, especially as the red tape could only be sourced from Belgium.' A company based in Birmingham has been awarded the contract to provide red, white and blue striped tape for use by the government. 'We get it from a reliable source in Europe,' confided a representative of the Birmingham company today.



WW3 is a small price to pay to escape Brexit




An advocate for a second referendum explained: 'I hear a lot of negativity about Nuclear winters, but who doesn't like to snuggle up, with a nice matching sweater from John Lewis? This is an opportunity to reject Brexit - after all, you can't leave Europe if there is no Europe to leave.


'We need to support the Ukraine and their affordable au pairs. Nuclear holocaust is backed by 48% of the public, which from my perspective, is a stonking majority'.



Local man would “definitely be as brave as the Ukrainians”




Martin Clark has confirmed that he would resist any invasion of the UK as bravely as the citizens of the Ukraine.


Nobody outside of the Kremlin has failed to be moved by the defence mounted by Ukrainian troops and ordinary citizens, and after watching TV news on mute in his local Wetherspoons, Clark issued a statement to his fellow drinkers that he “would like to see Putin try that around here”.


He cited his weeks camping as a child, the time in got into a brawl with a bouncer and voting to leave the European Union as proof that he could lead a resistance.


When challenged that he had no military experience or knowledge of military tactics, Clark pulled a battered copy of an Andy McNabb book from his rucksack and waved it in Dave Thompson’s face saying: “I’ve read this 13 times, thank you very much.”


Despite not being alive during World War Two, Clark referenced the Blitz 13 times during the evening, he also mentioned the “snowflake generation” nine times and the Queen five times, which he seemed to think were conclusive arguments.


When asked why he hadn’t travelled to Ukraine to fight alongside the local people fighting back, Clark pretended not to hear, quickly finished his pint and went for a kebab.


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