Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"

Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.

Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."

Image: Pixabay/Alexas_Photos

UK won't follow EU's plans for common charging cable

"The idea of us aligning our world-leading selves with one of the EU's so-called standardisation plots is, without saying, utter piffle and balderdash", began a No.10 spokesman at the most recent press briefing.

"We didn't achieve freedom and sovereignty simply to cast it all away on a bit of wire with a plug you can shove where you like.

"The Government will shortly be revealing plans for an Imperial multi-function phone-charger, cake-slice and bottle-opener. Much research has been undertaken by a team reporting directly to the Prime Minister here at No.10. Final details are still to be agreed, but British industry will soon once again be meeting the requirements of British government.

Demand for these valuable items may even run in to double figures. In order to reflect the true nature of global Britain leading the way in such technologies, this particular device will be unbalanced, not levelled and have a natural twist to the right. The latest prototype has seen the inclusion of a pencil facility, in order that users may draw a line under things."

image from pixabay

Met Police running low on fixed penalty notice supplies

Following Boris Johnson's trip to Kyiv and his promise to assist Zelenskiy with more weapons, the Met Police have sent almost their entire stock of fixed penalty notices to Ukraine. It is expected these will be put on Russian tanks parked on double yellow lines. As a consequence, the force has so far only been able to issue 50 fines to low-ranking Partygategoers.

The Met was unable to to say when it expects to get further supplies to replenish its stock, as they are apparently printed in the EU and may well be among the goods delayed by the queue of trucks waiting to board ferries.

Police Lego Policeman - Free photo on Pixabay