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Met Police running low on fixed penalty notice supplies


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Following Boris Johnson's trip to Kyiv and his promise to assist Zelenskiy with more weapons, the Met Police have sent almost their entire stock of fixed penalty notices to Ukraine. It is expected these will be put on Russian tanks parked on double yellow lines. As a consequence, the force has so far only been able to issue 50 fines to low-ranking Partygategoers.


The Met was unable to to say when it expects to get further supplies to replenish its stock, as they are apparently printed in the EU and may well be among the goods delayed by the queue of trucks waiting to board ferries.



Government to replace red tape with red, white and blue tape



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Six years after the United Kingdom voted for Brexit, the government has admitted that Brexit hadn't delivered anything. 'We've realised that a policy of replacing EU red tape with UK red tape wasn't working, especially as the red tape could only be sourced from Belgium.' A company based in Birmingham has been awarded the contract to provide red, white and blue striped tape for use by the government. 'We get it from a reliable source in Europe,' confided a representative of the Birmingham company today.



WW3 is a small price to pay to escape Brexit



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An advocate for a second referendum explained: 'I hear a lot of negativity about Nuclear winters, but who doesn't like to snuggle up, with a nice matching sweater from John Lewis? This is an opportunity to reject Brexit - after all, you can't leave Europe if there is no Europe to leave.


'We need to support the Ukraine and their affordable au pairs. Nuclear holocaust is backed by 48% of the public, which from my perspective, is a stonking majority'.



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