Nobel and FIFA to swap roles

The worlds of international football and random selection of activity prize-giving have collided and been shaken up with the news that the Nobel Committee and FIFA are going to swap roles from now on.

The Nobel Committee are taking over international football tournaments, starting with the 2026 men's World Cup, but soon to include regional competitions like the European Championships, African Cup of Nations and the Copa America. Nobel has denied that they will grant Norway automatic qualification, at least not for the Copa America.

Meanwhile FIFA are following their innovative award of a Peace Prize to Donald Trump with a Gastronomy prize to be awarded to Luis Suarez, and an Economics prize to Michel Platini.

A spokesdemon denied that awarding a peace prize to Trump would earn FIFA bosses a spot on hell, saying that 'we've been keeping seats warm for everyone on the board of FIFA for years.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Misogynists nurse their fragile egos as England Women win Euros again

In an event that has sent shockwaves through pub corners and online comment sections across the nation, England’s women have once again lifted the UEFA Women’s Euro trophy, leaving a trail of confused and fragile male egos in their victorious wake.

“Football’s only coming home when we win it,” muttered 47-year-old expert-in-nothing Gary Thompson, while refreshing his timeline, hoping to see anything that might discredit the Lionesses’ historic victory. “It’s not proper football, is it? Where’s the slide tackles? Where’s the pub brawls? Where’s the VAR controversy so I can argue with strangers online?”

Sources confirm that a coalition of part-time YouTube pundits and full-time misogynists immediately convened to develop their latest coping strategy: redefining the word 'football' in real-time.

“Winning the Euros doesn’t count unless you’re diving, swearing at the ref, and clutching your hamstring every five minutes,” said Dave from Manchester, who once scored a tap-in during a five-a-side game in 1998 and has considered himself a tactical mastermind ever since.

Meanwhile, social media has been flooded with desperate attempts to downplay the achievement. Comments such as 'the goals aren't as good' and 'the men would beat them' poured in, as if that somehow negates the victory parade currently being planned through London.

One particularly distraught Twitter user even launched a petition demanding UEFA 'cancel the result because it’s biologically unfair,' citing zero scientific sources but a lot of feelings.

Psychologists have observed a sharp rise in cases of 'Selective Sports Interest Syndrome' — a condition where men suddenly become experts on women’s football solely to dismiss it. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Elaine Ward. “They've never watched a women’s match, but the moment women succeed, they develop encyclopaedic knowledge of why it ‘doesn’t count.’”

Meanwhile, the Lionesses responded to the outcry with a deafening silence, too busy admiring their second consecutive European trophy.

As England basks in a historic win, Gary and his fellow keyboard patriots have found solace in their final fallback argument: “At least we still have the darts.”

image from pixabay

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Man weirdly insistent on people knowing he won’t be watching the Olympics

As coverage of the Paris Olympics ramps up, one man has also ramped up his social media presence to inform and educate the population at large that he definitely won’t be tuning in. Taking a delightfully contrarian twist, it turns out Mick Phillips won’t be watching the Olympics and has previously expressed distaste at other popular and well ingrained cultural phenomenon.

‘I’ve effortlessly pivoted from constant updates about how I won’t be watching the Euro24 tournament to broadcasting my complete lack of interest of the Olympics.’ Phillips announced.

‘The Euro 24 stuff was actually quite engaging, I made an observation about how it’s just 11 men chasing a ball; I think there was some social commentary as well when I referenced how much they get paid compared to nurses.’

When questioned on the obvious fuck-up in his maths, Phillips responded ‘There’s 22 players in total? Well... Just goes to show I definitely wasn’t watching.’

‘I’m not embarrassed by that.’ he repeated to himself, several times.

Although Williams was unsure what the overall endgame of his posts would be, that hasn’t discouraged him from posting his lack on interest in numerous online sporting forums and news sites.

When asked if they had a response to Williams’ disinterest in the event, one sports enthusiast responded ‘Mike Phillips won’t be watching? That’s fine, that was always allowed.’

At press time, Phillips was seen posting “Who?” in several articles about a ubiquitous, internationally recognised singer.

image from pixabay